How Lucky Can You Get

Extra, Extra Read All About It....

2010-02-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

Another February, another year....my efforts at chronicling the life and times of yours truly have been spotty to non-existent. My reasons are varied and in my own mind seemingly valid, but upon close inspection it is yet one more thing that has fallen through the cracks...put aside for more "pressing" things and then never quite gotten back to.

In addition there has been many moments during 2009 that I simply have not wanted to write. The daily motions of life itself have been wearing me down and now by this most recent February 2010 I am feeling tired, worn out and more than a bit discouraged. Makes you want to read on..doesn't it.

I am not unique in these tough times. In fact I am typical of what so many people are currently dealing with and going through. My job is in jeopardy, I have taken a pay cut, my home is barely above water, my health insurance is practically non-affordable and during these my prime earning years, my salary is heading down. Gas prices mean I travel less, can't afford luxury items and must make hard decisions regarding giving up cable and other extras.

Life in this February comes with a built in layer of fear. It hangs over me and is always in my thoughts. Like a persistent ache or pain it constantly reminds me that I am one of those people who could easily become homeless dues to one large scale financial catastrophe. I recently had to take my car in due to the "check engine" light coming on....$800.00 later I am even more sure of how close I am to being one of the statistics that I hear about on the news.

Through all this I consider myself lucky. I have a job still, I have a house still, I have a car that still runs. There are so many in far worse shape than I that I feel about the only place I can vent is here....in the relative solitude of this blog. I need to keep on my game face...keep my chin up, show those around me and myself that in spite of everything life goes on. I must remind myself that there are still wonderful aspects to each and every day and that if I lose sight of those and the people that help to make them, that I too will become a victim instead of a victor.

My Inner Dorian Grey

2009-02-06T14:43:00.000-08:00

I had one of those moments today...you know the ones that stops you dead in your tracks and slams a big ole piece of reality up in your face for you to examine. Did I make the right decisions..did I go down the right path. It's not that often that you get to see a slice of that kind of reality..but there mine was....and of all places on facebook.

I got the chance to glimpse a life that could have been mine..see choices and realities that could have been my own..from a distance. I had the chance to see what life might have been for another me. I suppose on some level I look at those decisions that I made like my own portrait of Dorian Grey...coloring my life from the inside, changing my persona and personality. With each decision come a set of consequences that set in motion a chain of events that add a few more layers to my portrait. Certainly upon reflection I have made some really bad decisions - choosing directions that were solely for me instead of those around me. Looking at the needs of the moment instead of the bigger picture.

Most days I have no need to gaze upon the portrait I have painted for myself - it resides inside in a place that rarely gets any real scrutiny from me...the hours and days and years pass and life moves ahead without pause - that's how life is. Once or twice a year for just a moment..I catch a glimpse..on a certain day or after hearing a certain song but it is short lived and never dwelled upon...too much to do..too much to dread.

Today, because life is hard right now, because life isn't going particularly well, because I have so very much to question about my life it hit me hard. There it was the surreal idyllic life I might have had...everything bright and shiny. The friends I used to have, the places I used to go..the favorite things that occupied my hours. Facebook is unique that way...I saw a life with all it's trappings - full of people and places and experiences right there with the click of my mouse. It transported me back to a lifetime ago...when I was another person completely. What would have happened on that path? Would my portrait have become the unrecognizable image of so many bad decisions?

Another deadline, another mindless task requires my attention and snaps me back into my own reality. Taking a final look inside at my own Dorian Grey I close the door and realize that I am on the path I was meant to take, the other paths weren't meant for me to wander down. This road continues to wind and although particularly perilous at the moment..I don't know what lies beyond it. My decisions, my actions propel me down the path and continue to paint each stroke of my portrait.

Lifting My Spirits

2009-02-04T15:39:00.001-08:00

My favorite season in Autumn. The sights and smells and colors all invigorate me and prepare me for the holiday season. Halloween has always been a favorite excuse for letting go and letting down ones guard. This is the night of the year when you can be whoever you want - to forget the bonds that keep you from day to day and to freely explore a new world.

Even at work I try to stir up the spirits of my co-workers and always try to plan a Halloween celebration at work. Usually they turn out very well - people do like to play dress up and get scared and embrace the child inside - even if they are working on a spreadsheet at the same time.

My favorite work party was a couple of years ago. Everyone got caught up in the festiveness of the day and a very special cake made for an even more special occasion..our theme "Everyone Has To Go Sometime" worked perfectly...and we had 16 people in costume...there is just something in the air during Autumn that always lifts my spirits.

How I Spent My Summer

2009-01-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

By the end of September work inside our building was finally wrapping up. We were all tired of being the warehouse Swiss Family Robinson...tired of the tubes and the porta potties...tired of sharing phones and computers...we wanted our home back.

All of our furniture had to be replaced, and although it was nice to have a new area, and a new modular and a new computer....we did have to pitch in and put them all together. It was like turning 60 people loose in a big empty building with nothing but instructions from IKEA. We knew the pieces fit together...but they didn't tell us they fit together lots of different ways.

Everyone became impatient as the move in date back into the building got closer and closer...of course everyone wanted to be the first back in, but IT was very specific about who had phone and computer access first...it got a bit ugly I can tell you...but by the first week of October we were back in our home...our roof now able to withstand any storm or natural disaster the desert could dish out. Life settled back into its natural rhythm in seemingly no time...and now we all had stories to tell of how we spent our summer...roughing it.

After the Rain......the Smell

2009-01-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

In case you're wondering.....standing water in July...smells really bad. So after the rain...the mess. Once the city had cordoned off the roof section of our building we were allowed back in to start gathering anything we could salvage...unfortunately all our computer CPU's were housed on the floor and we lost all files in lateral file cabinets - plus the server room had also sustained damage. Armed with brooms and mops and wet vacs we got most of the water out..but where would we go?

Being the resourceful people we are....our nice big relatively unharmed warehouse seemed to provide the answer...but with only 2 evaporative coolers and a staff of almost 60 - we could never survive in 105 plus degree temps for the 6-8 weeks needed to make our building habitable again...or could we...enter THE TUBES...with massive generators going 10 hours a day the tubes brought us the air conditioning we needed to survive and so with mad skills that would make McGuyver proud we built an office home in a warehouse.

Monsoon...

2009-01-27T14:55:00.000-08:00

In the first part of my dream there was a storm...a monsoon storm.

Every summer in Arizona the monsoons roll in....the humidity rises and the afternoon sky fills with ominous clouds that usually accompany a wall of dust that covers everything in its path with grit, and dirt. Then the lightning and rain come...monsoon storms can be very brief, but very intense or they can linger a while causing flooding and wind damage.

It was just after the fourth of July the seventh I think and the monsoon storms were coming in almost every night. The humidity was up and it was 105 degrees or so and the middle of summer. The storm on this particular night built up over the course of a few hours and by 9:00 p.m. the wind was whipping and the rain was coming down in sheets. Central Phoenix was bearing the brunt of this cell of the storm and the radar showed several microbursts (a microburst is a small, very intense downdraft that descends to the ground resulting in a strong wind divergence).

At my office in central Phoenix this particular monsoon was really stirring things up. I work in a large building with a flat roof and an even larger attached warehouse. On the side of the building are two large trees that provide shade and an area for employees to eat lunch or take a break. Lightning hit one of those trees that evening and caused a large limb to break and fall onto the roof. The limb was dense and leafy and completely blocked the rain gutter on this part of the roof. A microburst ensued and at least 2 inches of rain fell. The water having nowhere to runoff pooled on that portion of the roof. Water is heavy - and at 9:37 the roof could not hold the weight any longer.

The roof collapsed and when it fell one of the ceiling beams sheared off the water main that rested underneath that portion of the office sending thousands of gallons of water into our building. The first employee to arrive was a driver who upon entering the lower warehouse dock area saw water seeping out from underneath the doors. Inside the building and the throughout the warehouse stood 17 inches of water. When he unlocked the door and opened it...the cascade of water filled the back parking lot...when the front door was opened an ocean of paper, files, seat cushions and office supplies flowed out of the door and onto our lawn.

We were lucky, had the storm occurred during working hours investigators concluded that at least 10 employees could have been killed with many more injured.

Yawning and Stretching

2009-01-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

You lay down for a little nap and suddenly it's six months later...just think of it this way...remember in Dallas how that whole season basically went to hell and everything was outta whack and then Pam wakes up to the sound of the shower and Voila it was all a dream...well a few of the details are a little hazy but for the most part here is what happened in my dream...

After A Restless Slumber....The Sleeper Awakes

2009-01-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

Playing Catch Up

2008-07-01T23:12:00.000-07:00

Time has a strange habit of getting away from me...yes here it is already day two of phase two and I haven’t even finished up my postings for phase one yet. But I digress....the last couple of days on phase one went well, once again a lunch with my mom on the weekend could have posed a potential problem, but once again I opted for an entree sized salad that actually wore me out with all the chewing. That is definitely something I am finding....eating a big salad when eating out takes time and makes the experience longer from all the time it takes to eat it. Therefore you don’t finish up early and then feel bad about the good things everyone else is eating.

Monday morning and the dawn of phase two began with a weigh in of course. Ending the first two weeks and welcoming in the.....well I am not sure how long phase two will last at this point, but I think it’s safe to say that it won’t be a matter of days. This phase will be around for a while..so I will no longer count off the phase two days....I think "South Beach - Phase Two- Day 146" is a bit much. The end result of my first two weeks embracing the South Beach lifestyle was a loss of 13 lbs. I am more than satisfied with that number and believe it’s a great springboard to begin phase two with.

I am going to follow the books recommendations and bring back the now allowed foods slowly...don’t want to cause myself to actually gain weight on the weight loss portion of the plan...but I look forward to fruits and whole grains again.

South Beach - Phase One - Days Nine and Ten

2008-06-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

This has been a really busy week at work with lots of work related activities spilling into the non-work hours. I would have to describe the past two days eating as appropriate without being pretty. Made as many things up ahead as I could and have been reheating etc. for the bulk of my main meals.

Make ahead eggs are great. I can get them mixed up and then prepare the fillings so in them morning all I have to do is dump everything in the pan, and in less than 10 minutes I am eating. When I have to eat on the run, eating right often times goes the way of fast food. But with made ahead snacks and lunches, I can still run around, feel full, and stay on plan.

I do feel better. Eleven lbs lost and I feel less sluggish than I had been, the walking is going well at work and I just need to spend some more quality time doing some walking in the pool on the weekends.

Everyone is trying to find their own rhythm as they go through their two weeks. Some are finding it a bit frustrating with less weight lost so far but are not giving up...we all have our own stakes to keep us on track.

South Beach - Phase One - Day Eight

2008-06-24T22:20:00.000-07:00

Week One - Phase One is history. Overall it was a good week. Total loss for the first seven days on South Beach was 10 lbs. I am sure things will slow down this week, but I pleased with the outcome so far.

Everyone in the rag tag bunch has posted a loss thus far, so we must be doing something right. I believe that the expanded food lists and exercise plan has made the new version of the South Beach Diet easier to follow and will be easier to maintain during phase two. Any time you add more variety to anything it makes it easier.

Tomorrow at the office we are celebrating birthdays for the month as we do every month. The cake is a different flavor each time, and I must admit it was always a nice treat. But I know we will do just fine tomorrow, since my fellow South Beacher's and I can make sure the other maintains their resolve. Temptations will always be around, but if we remember the bigger picture of what we want to accomplish-they won’t be temptations for long.

South Beach - Phase One - Days Six & Seven

2008-06-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

I was a little worried about the weekend - all that free leisure time...the normal time for socializing, eating, drinking, etc. I had things pretty well planned out - but there were a few wildcards. Lunch on Saturday with my mom....she knows I am on South Beach, but she also looks forward to when we go to lunch on Saturdays - so I let her choose the place. I figured I can handle most any restaurant and make something work out South Beach friendly.... So I waited in anticipation to find out where it would be. "I think" she said, "I would like to go to the Cheesecake Factory". It could have been worse....I guess....so stealing my resolve..off we went.

I did fine...I ended up with a big Cobb Salad. It was very good, and I did fine watching my mom eat her Chicken Piccata with Angel Hair Pasta and Garlic Bread. Thank goodness she was not interested in any cheesecake....I might have had to just go wait in the car.

Sunday was fine. Went for a walk. Of course unless you go at dawn or 10 p.m. it will be 113 degrees so I went mall walking. First the upper level, then the lower level. It’s a big mall so I felt like I got a decent (and air-conditioned) walk in. The intervals didn’t go very well, but kept up a steady pace.

South Beach - Phase One - Day Five

2008-06-21T23:54:00.000-07:00

Friday seemed to fly by and I really didn’t feel hungry. The South Beachers at work were all comparing this weekends shopping lists and scouring the ads for the best prices on Phase One friendly items. It really is nice having a group of people going through this with you. I am sure as with most other diets I have been on with others that some will drop out, but initially our will is strong and we are a determined bunch.

Tonight I had dinner at a friend’s and had a wonderful piece of Salmon with a great topping that made a really nice punch for the mild flavor of the salmon. We also had celery sticks and three different toppings - humus, an artichoke Parmesan, and a vegetable topper full of garlic. For dessert it was a phase one recipe for this fudgesicle/peanut butter/whipped topping that I hereby proclaim awesome and no one would know it was dietary...this will definitely be in my permanent rotation.

South Beach - Phase One - Day Four

2008-06-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Today went well enough in most repects here in the South Beach Southwest. More weight loss..I was down 6lbs this morning so who can argue with that kind of start to the day. Had chili for lunch from yesterday and that filled me right up.

Tonight I had not prepared anything in advance, since it was 113 degrees today I felt a cold dinner might be nice..so I had some shaved turkey breast, cottage cheese (which I doctored up as best I could) and a couple of cheese sticks. I was not overly inspired, but it was ok. This was at about 6:00. By 6:45 I was hungry- again. Not just hmm maybe some almonds hungry, but..hmm pizza sounds good hungry. I remember this feeling and its not a good one. It does pass but takes a while.

Erring on the side of caution I got in the car and went to the movies. Had a diet coke, and by the time it was over, hunger passed and crisis averted.

South Beach - Phase One - Day Three

2008-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

Day three...I guess almost all of the South Beachers and I were a bit curious as to how things might be coming in the weight loss portion of our South Beach experience. So each of us on the morning of day three weighed in. I am definitely proud of us so far....I posted in with a 3.5 lb loss, we also had a 5, 4, and a 2 lb loss. Most definitely an incentive to continue.

This morning I also made a phase one friendly recipe for the crockpot. It was a chili recipe using ground turkey and three different kinds of beans. I wondered if the "phase One" part of it might change the flavor, but I am pleased to report that it was really good. Everyone that tried it thought so too..we all kept saying that it tasted so normal...not sure why we kept saying it...but we did.

No major cravings, and I felt satisfied between meals and snacks. If this continues, then I think adopting this lifestyle permanently will be easier than I had imagined.

South Beach - Phase One - Day Two

2008-06-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

Commericals are evil. Between the radio and tv commericals that bombard you throughout the day it makes anyone trying to be a good South Beacher a bit rough around the edges. Aside from the rare South Beach commercial it was a sea of fast food, pizza, and carbs. It doesn’t actually shake my resolve any, but what it does do is make whatever I am eating appear much less appealing.

Lunch was interesting. I tried a South Beach entree that is Phase one approved - basically just chicken and green beans. It was ok...basically like a lean cuisine - but without any pasta or potatoes. I had no trouble sticking to my plan, there was a time in the afternoon when I really got hungry but I lasted through til my snack and was ok the rest of the night. I made certain to have my fudgesicle for dessert and that was a surprisingly good change of taste for being no-sugar.

The rest of the bunch also seemed to do well enough...though the work bunch wanted to eat anything in sight by mid-afternoon. So far so good.

South Beach - Phase One - Day One

2008-06-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

No matter how much preparation you go through - starting a new diet on a Monday morning is just NOT the best way to begin a work week. But at least you have the newness factor going for you. The wanting to get everything right... to have just what you are supposed to have time that is always at the start of any plan. Hopefully we stay vigilant and not fall into complacency when you stop measuring and start "eyeballing" things and rationalizing that M&M’s must fit into phase 2 somewhere....

Overall the day went well. I was not overly hungry, but did realize that I was not eating in the usual patterns. Had my snacks and was even all ready for dessert....but was too tired to eat it...but it will wait for tomorrow.

My rag tag group of South Beachers joining me had differing reactions. The ones that had been through it before were ok, the newbies most definitely NOT embracing the South Beach lifestyle...but it’s early yet, and once the weight starts to drop, they will whistle a different tune I am certain.

My Journey to South Beach

2008-06-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

Weight has always been the major disruptor in the otherwise fairly normal progression of my life. I believe for a combination of reasons, that it was destined to become one of the most difficult addictions to affect me as an adult.

Growing up I was tempted by all of the usual vices, smoking, alcohol, recreational drugs, and frankly I did experiment as many young people do. The results of my experiments were as follows:

Smoking: as much as I wanted to be cool, cigarettes and or marijuana both made me choke and cough and that coupled with watching my father smoke like a chimney, made for a quick flirtation with smoking.

Alcohol: this one I seemed to fare better with - no choking at least. But I honestly discovered shortly after trying alcohol, that I could have just as much fun having one drink as I could having 5 or 6. To this day I am nothing more than a social drinker.

Recreational Drugs: These just plain scared me....being in athletics I didn’t want to do anything that might hurt my performance, and steroids were not yet a part of the scene except for bodybuilders...so the appeal was just not there for me. Besides, I never have liked the feeling of not being in control of my actions - so chalk up another one for "not my deal".

Ah....but food. Food was a different story. You had to eat. It’s a part of life. In my family both my parents were avid cooks and created in me a love of food, and cooking, and eating that goes back as far as I can remember. I have always associated food with good times, smiles and laughter, the many parties my parents threw, the huge family get together’s centered around a holiday meal. It was my childhood and adolescence and as an adult still is a part of my life that I treasure.

I don’t eat to live. I watch the Food Network. I am a good cook. I bear the mark of these three items in my waist size and shirt size and each and every time I look in the mirror. Like the many others in my position, I have yo-yo dieted up and down the scale too many times to count. I do posess the ability to lose weight - the will power, and the drive to keep it off though have all been for reasons that seem to never last. To be more specific, the reasons haven’t been for me they all seem to have been for someone else.

So..I embark on the journey once again. South Beach worked well for me before, so I bought the new book, read it, and am ready to give it a try. But this journey IS for me. It is for my health, it is for those I love and care about, it is for all the right reasons and for this reason I think I will have better success. I am joined by a rag tag group of friends, loved ones, and co-workers, each on their own journey, but nice enough to give me some support in my own.

I will use this blog to chronicle my journey good or bad in hopes that it may bring a shred of hope or laughter or understanding in your own.

Uncluttering My Mind

2008-03-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Another Easter has come and gone and spring has sprung. I wish the spring cleaning bug would bite me a bit harder, but slowly I am getting into the spirit of the time honored tradition. As I approach the task of cleaning out the dust of winter and opening up for springtime I have begun to notice a difference in my normal approach. I guess time and age do indeed cause changes in your point of view - it’s interesting to me that I seem to be entering into a new phase in my life.

Early on as with many people I was squarely focused on the acquisition of "stuff". Electronic gadgets, furniture to fill up every room, and seemingly every kitchen gadget known to man. My closets and cupboards and patio and garage over time became dumping grounds for these treasures and even though I had plenty of items by now..the quest for more was seemingly not quenched. New fads, the latest model - I fell into the trap of capitalism.

I think I’m full. I may have reached that saturation point with acquiring and entered into a new period of streamlined living.

Out shopping recently looking for nothing in particular, but ready to pick up that latest whatever it might be, I actually found myself picking things up..looking at them....and wondering aloud to my shopping companion "but where would I put this, I don’t have any room". Now THAT is a paradigm shift.

Another startling example for me was when I was gathering together items to set out for the disabled American veteran’s truck to come and pick up. Normally I can find enough to fill a bag or small box...doing my part but not parting with a lot. This year, after getting everything onto the front porch I had amassed 5 boxes and two bags worth.

Spring cleaning 2008 may just lighten more than just the dust in my house..it may take on some additional meaning. Besides the cleaning of the clutter it will also be a chance for me to start a healthier lifestyle. I suppose it’s the same reason why meditation and yoga studios are always so plain. When you are in a room that has clutter your brain will have mental clutter. I think its impossible to relax in a dirty home.

May everyone’s spring be happy and rewarding in its own way.

Too Early For Spring

2008-02-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

An update to the early spring that I reported in my front yard. I was going to cut it close, but I thought I would get the weeds pulled and make the imposed deadline before getting fined from the homeowner’s association. I had made a valiant start, however the tiny cleared area in comparison with the rest of the yard was barely even noticeable.

Then of course I got the flu....not just a mild case of the flu, but the whole shebang....High fever, chills, aches, lost my voice and had the head cold to match....it was ugly....I tried on the second day of my illness to go out and pull some weeds thinking " well its not exactly strenuous so I should be all right" - well I lasted all of ten minutes before I was exhausted and retired back to bed.

The next day was the deadline day and I awoke still sick, with dark skies and the threat of rain. Once the rain started, it softly rained throughout the day and into the evening. I was hoping that this meant that the members of the committee could not get out to assign fines - but knew that it would be a short reprieve.

The weeds thrived on the additional rain and soon my weed garden was even more lush and full. Professionals would have to be hired, and so I set about the task of finding someone to come out and tackle the job. It took a while, but I found 4 places that did this kind of work and called three of them and e-mailed the fourth then waited for the calls to get quotes.

I waited a full day and nothing. Not one call. Is the economy that good that these places can turn down business? I made secondary calls and e-mails. Nothing. Meanwhile the weeds were thriving and growing taller by the minute. Finally after no response from anyone, I was able to get someone through someone my mom’s lawn care service knew of....by the third day after the deadline, the work was going to be done.

It was expensive, but necessary. The weeds were removed and the yard looked great...for almost 3 days. Then the new shoots of green started to appear. But this time I am armed with weed killer and will not rest until they are all chemically extinguished.

By the way, I finally did get a call from one of the four businesses that I originally contacted...a full four days after I contacted them a second time....I politely said that someone else had beaten them to the work....to which the lady replied.....oh well and hung up.....

An Early Spring?

2008-02-05T14:13:00.000-08:00

One of the many reasons I love winter is that my yard becomes a dormant place....a stark, bland, area without flowers or color or....weeds. I appreciate this time of year for the respite it gives me from the never ceasing chore of yard work.

It really has been a nice season in that respect. By Thanksgiving I trimmed everything back and the yard began a hopefully long hibernation of winter slumber. We had a wetter season than usual and although I love the rain, it does not bode well for providing my yard with the perfect conditions for winter bliss.
That being said, it was almost New Years before I noticed any change in my austere desert landscaped front yard. There in the near center of my yard poked out a small green shoot that caused immediate beads of cold sweat on my brow. Like greased lightning I was in the yard and with a quick jerk took care of the situation. Satisfied with my efforts, I tossed the offending culprit in the trash can and went about my day.

What happened next I can only surmise was a general call to all types of lawn and yard dwellers. A call to descend upon this smug homeowner that thought he was being "pro-active". A lesson must be taught and soon....to send a message to other over zealous weed pullers out there. So in the span of perhaps a week there were perhaps 10 new shoots in a wide and random pattern covering the entire expanse of my front yard. I wanted to pull them, but we were having more rain and it would have to wait for dryer conditions.

The next time I walked down the front walk to the street I noticed a new green border all along my path as well as at least 20 new bursts of green in my otherwise rock and gravel front yard. A sense of dread and unease took over and I found myself looking around the neighborhood at other houses to see if they too were suffering this early gift of springtime. Much to my horror it became more and more evident that I was ground zero in the assault of the weeds. I would be the first letter that the HOA neighborhood committee would send out as a "gentle reminder" to rid the yard of the unpleasant blight of healthy green weeds.

I am not sure where the time went. I know I was busy. I know on at least 2 occasions I thought about going outside to wrestle with the rapidly growing horde, but now it is February 5th and the weeds have seemingly won. When driving by the house - at first glance it looks like I have a lawn, until you look close. Unfortunately the neighborhood committee members did not think so.

Punxsatawny Phil the groundhog saw his shadow last week indicating six more weeks of winter. But in my front yard - spring is already here.

Making A Difference

2008-01-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

An old man walked up a shore littered with thousands of starfish,beached and dying after a storm.

A young man was picking them up and flinging them back into the ocean."

Why do you bother?" the old man scoffed."

You're not saving enough to make a difference."

The young man picked up another starfish and sent it spinning back to the water.

"Made a difference to that one," he said.

Everyone can make a difference.

Sometimes my focus becomes narrow, the world around me shrinks down like a heavy wool blanket and I fall into a trap I call the "woe is me’s." "My shoulder hurts and I can’t sleep"," I can’t afford a flat screen TV", " I don’t make enough money", " I am not making the most of my life"," I will never find my soul mate", " I won’t leave a mark on the world", "my life isn’t making a difference". I turn inward and refuse to see the "bigger picture"around me.

I find myself worrying about the future, about the impact my life will have in the evolution of the world. I lay awake and dwell on possibilities and scenario’s that are far out of my control...and in my mind - everything becomes about me. These self induced pity parties can last a day, a few days, until at last for whatever reason I seem to once again poke my head out of the sand and resume life as usual.

A couple of things in the last day or so have jolted me back to the real world. Watching a friend walk the tightrope of real life waiting for the birth of a great niece while at the same time mourning the loss of a mother almost exactly a year ago and experiencing firsthand the circle of life.

Seeing my own mother conquering pain and disability to simply see a concert and celebrating the fact she would not have to cross yet one more activity off of her ever dwindling list of things she can still do.

Being open to the bigger picture makes me much more aware that the only thing I can count on is making a difference in the lives of the people I care about the most. If I do that, if I make a conscious effort to strive for happiness and contentment in the small moments of everyday, then I HAVE made a difference in my life and the lives of others. Everyone’s plate is full enough, but sometimes all it takes is a small act on your part to truly affect the life of another.

The Promise of A New Year

2007-12-31T13:01:00.000-08:00

OK....call me corny, or sentimental, or sappy or whatever. Call me eternally optimistic and horribly naive, but I always see the beginning of a New Year as a chance for new beginnings and a fresh start. To me the moments just after midnight on New Years signals the opportunity to push aside the failures and regrets of the previous year, the unfulfilled promises and the abandoned goals.

I like making New Year’s resolutions. I like stating aloud the things about myself and my life that I would like to make my years work. For me it helps to make it more real and far more likely for me to work towards. I think everyone if given the opportunity has things they would like to change, or make better. Yes I know that any day can be that day when one will finally put their mind to it and begin in earnest, but there is some sort of a grander, more romantic gesture to it when done in the spirit of the New Year.

2007 saw a great number of changes for me. Some were sad, some were very positive, but unlike some previous years at least it was a year of change. There was movement in my life...mostly in a forward direction. I feel at year’s end that I am not in the same position I was on January 1st of 2007, and for that I am glad. I saw in myself the ability to make life altering changes during this year. I also confronted beliefs about the future and my own destiny. I made new friends, I took some risks. I went out of my comfort zone, and I didn’t melt. I hope that 2008 will see these things continue.

My wish for everyone that may read this blog is that in your own life, you make 2008 a year of wonderful discoveries about yourself, about the possibilities that exist around you, and that it is a year of moments that will make memories long after 2008.

Happy New Year

Christmas 2007

2007-12-27T00:22:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day has come and gone once again, but the holiday season is still moving forward with a new year now looming on the horizon. As I do every year, I stressed incredibly in the weeks leading up to Christmas....wanting everything to be "right". So many things I want to see and do during this short holiday season as well, I am lucky to make it to one of them. But all of the running around and self induced stress worked out and it was a very nice Christmas.

Perhaps my favorite parts of this particular holiday were the special moments of magic that made their way into my world from friends and family alike. The unexpected Christmas card from someone long absent, the Christmas Day phone calls from friends and family, the unexpected generosity of friends going out of their ways to make me smile with gifts specially created for me lovingly made with time and effort. A very nice couple of days spent with my mom, just enjoying her company and sharing the season together. All and all, A Christmas that made me truly feel the spirit of the season, I am a lucky man for having the luxury of loving family and friends around me.

I hope everyone had a nice Holiday celebration and was surrounded by friends and family.

My Own Poseidon Adventure

2007-12-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

Charles Minnegrode introduced the custom of decorating trees in Williamsburg, Virginia in 1842.
By 1850, the Christmas tree had become fashionable in the eastern states. Until this time, it had been considered a quaint foreign custom.

Mark Carr brought trees from the Catskills to the streets of New York in 1851, and opened the first retail Christmas tree lot in the United States.

Franklin Pierce was the first president to introduce the Christmas tree to the White House in 1856 for a group of Washington Sunday School children. The first national Christmas Tree was lighted in the year 1923 on the White House lawn by President Calvin Coolidge.

Over the course of the past week I have decorated three separate Christmas Trees. I believe there is nothing quite as festive as trimming the tree to get one in the holiday mood. Two of the three trees were artificial, but one came right from the lot, freshly cut and full of that wonderful smell that fills the house with the fragrance of pine.

Like people, each tree has its own unique personality, even year to year with the same decorations, each tree takes on a look of it’s own. Some years I must admit..perhaps more effort was spent on design and overall look, but somehow they all looked good in the end as Christmas trees just do.

The third and last of the trees I decorated was my own tree. Although a lot more effort and time, having a real tree is still my preference. This years search went remarkably well. My final choice was the second tree I looked at. It was the right size, a good shape, and although tempted to keep looking, I finally realized..hey I like this one...and so I went with it.

Getting it home, and getting it set up...again easy. I have had trees in the past that were lopsided, not cut straight, or that had really low branches that made it hard to access for water, etc. But this tree was good in all those respects, and in no time it was up and ready to decorate. It is a noble fir, and the lights and decorations went on very easily. I used practically every ornament I had and after the application of the glass garland, the tree ( in my humble opinion) was truly practically perfect. I even went so far as to say aloud "I should take a picture of this tree". Less than a minute after that while sitting looking upon this beautiful reminder of the holiday season that I watched it slowly fall forward onto the ground, fully decorated, lights on and I felt much like Shelley Winters and Jack Albertson as a member of the S.S. Poseidon.

Like the movie, water went everywhere, for I had filled the tree stand to the very top. As far as I can figure, the tree was so fresh that when the water filled up the stand, the bolts going into the tree slipped out of place, and the tree fell forward out of the stand onto the carpet. I sat still completely horrified and unable to react. It was only the rushing sound of the water pouring onto the carpet that I sprang into action.

The tree was wrestled back into the stand, the bolts tightened completely into the tree. Amazingly, I only lost one ornament. But the tree was a wreck. I still haven’t mustered up the will to fix it, now 4 days later, but I will. I hope that the 4th tree that I decorate this year will turnout like the others.

Countdown to Christmas

2007-12-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

My parents like most parents out there I’m sure hoped that they would raise their children with at least some of the principles and ethics that they might want to pass on to them. I am sure many just hope that they will grow up to be upright citizens and move out of the house at the proper age. Despite the usual ups and downs of growing up, I have to admit I was incredibly lucky to have grown up with so many wonderful memories and traditions and experiences that truly did shape the man I turned out to be.

At this time of the year I begin to get anxious...the Autumn starts an exciting time of the year for me and I have to wonder once again what makes Christmas "the most wonderful time of the year." As the days get shorter and more stressful, I find myself joining the millions of people worldwide who love Christmas and harken to that "Christmas spirit." But what is it about Christmas that makes it so special? A simple string of white lights wrapped around a lamppost is all it takes for me to be overcome by happy feelings and powerful associations.

I've often thought that it's the traditions that come along with Christmas that make it so special. I feel safe and happy when I'm doing something familiar -- something I've known since I was a little boy. Many of these traditions have morphed over the years - grown up or changed with the times, but I have such crystal clear memories of many of the traditions started from my grandparents and then down to my parents to myself; everything about Christmas in my family has some tradition with it. Like the Advent Calendar.

How excited I would become as a child when my grandfather would bring over the Advent calendar for me. As December 1st approached I could barely wait until I got to open that first window to see my first image of the season. Every year the calendar was different, usually imported from Germany or Scandinavia they became a beautiful and integral part of my countdown to Christmas.

This year I was surprised by the gift of my own permanent Advent Calendar. I still felt the same child like joy and anticipation as I looked forward to each morning and the opportunity to count my way down to Christmas Day. It was the perfect gift, the best possible reminder for me of the magic of the season. For me it brings back all the wonder and the anticipation of those Christmas’ growing up.

I’m not sure what it is about this time of year. Perhaps it's the excuse Christmas gives us to be friendly, and to expect friendliness in return. People are too busy or too stressed to be nice all year long, but Christmas has managed to retain some of its goodwill message. Perhaps it is the reminders of our own childhood memories and the joy that they brought us that makes us smile a bit more at this festive time of the year. For me though this holiday season has started off with a most thoughtful and generous gift from the heart that makes me smile a little bigger and makes this years countdown to Christmas even better.

A Vegas Wedding - The Final Chapter

2007-11-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

Caravan: a procession traveling together in single file. Makes sense if one is traveling in a covered wagon, or in a funeral procession, but try to get a caravan of 12 vehicles to stay together in single file in Las Vegas on a Saturday afternoon - I speak from experience when I tell you that it is nearly impossible. Oh did I mention yet that this trek also involved getting out of the strip, maneuvering 2 freeways and then the long, winding road into the mountains.

One would think that following a gigantic motorhome would not be that difficult, but in a vacation mecca like Las Vegas you never really realized just how many gigantic motorhomes there really are. From our exit from the parking lot of the hotel, the caravan was broken immediately. Being the resourceful wedding guests that we were, we began a caravan chain, from the motorhome car, by car trying to relay direction, traffic hazards, turnoffs, etc. At one point in our car we had three cell phones going at one time relaying directions back and forth. It would have made our poineer covered wagon ancestors proud, no matter the difficulty, we kept the caravan alive and intact.......well more or less. There were a few stragglers, but we eventually got them rejoined with the rest of the herd.

We thought it would be a relatively short drive, but actually took almost 40 minutes to get all of us out into the wilderness and into the natural preserve land that housed the red rock canyon. The Bride and Groom were still very tight lipped as to what awaited us, and only later would we find out that was because they had no idea either...the company and the site were chosen off of the Internet because their site looked good.

Finally we turned off the road and passed into the natural preserve. Almost immediately we made another turn in to the visitors parking area....we presumed that was to allow anyone not with the group to have time to rejoin us, but we were surprised to find the motorhome parking. Slowly, we all exited our vehicles...men in their shirts and ties, women in their cocktail dresses, to be greeted by cold gusts of wind that blew all over this parking area. On the edge of the parking strip off in the distance was the Red Rock Canyon, a beautiful site. We were not alone in the parking area either, there were a group of bikers, some tourists, and before we left, another wedding party.

After milling around a bit, it was confirmed that yes indeed we were at the wedding site. Additionally, we had to get a move on, because we were losing light. So there among the onlookers in the parking area we had the wedding. The ceremony was lovely, and I was truly honored to be invited to share in a couples public commitment to each other. Yes, it was very cold, the women shivered and the men pretended not to, but the beauty of the Canyon in the background was undeniable. After the ceremony and pictures we found out the reception was to be held here as well, under a metal awning at the other end of the parking area. In the fading light and increasing chill we ate cold sandwiches and warm soda until it was so dark, we couldn’t make out the happy couple anymore without the assistance of the headlights of one of our vehicles. We packed everything up, and found our way in the dark to our vehicles, the heat, and slowly made our way out of the nature preserve and back into civilization.

We all ended up at the Red Rock Casino and the wedding party and guests splintered off to drink, gamble, and stay warm. Arriving back at my hotel late that night, it was the end of a long day, not at all what I pictured for my first Vegas Wedding, but none-the-less an occasion I will remember always!

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

I am Thankful for…..
...the mess to clean up after a party
because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
...the taxes I pay
because it means that I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug
because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work
because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking.
...all the complaining I hear about our government
because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and a garage that needs cleaning
because it means I have a home.
...my huge air conditioning bill
because it means that I am cool.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
because it means that I have been productive.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours
because it means that I am alive.
Nancy Carmody

This Thanksgiving I feel grateful for the many things I take for granted each and every day. People who care about me, New friends to make me smile, still discovering new things all the time, and realizing that this time in my life has the potential to be the best part of my life so far.

May this day help you to see all that you have to be grateful for.

Get Me To The Church? On Time

2007-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning....dawned clear and windy and COLD. There was talk of a group of people getting together for breakfast, but already plans were seeming to change on a moments notice. So we were all left to ourselves with the understanding that we would gather in the afternoon for the caravan to the desert.

To get some exercise, a couple of us walked from The Stratosphere down to the Wynn. Although cold, it was a nice day to walk, and even with all of the massive construction projects going on, walking was still not too bad an option. The Wynn was beautiful, walking through the hotel and shops was a stark comparison to the same walk I had just taken at the Stratosphere not an hour earlier...different crowds, with different things on their minds. We managed to get a table at the Terrace Point Café - a lovely restaurant overlooking the pool and cabanas of the Wynn. Although windy, it was very relaxing and a welcome moment of peace and quiet during the rush of this wedding weekend.

Enter the second of the unexpected and unplanned realities that wreaked havoc with the weekend. For whatever reason, while in certain places in the city you have absolutely no cell phone reception at all. Whether the casinos plan it that way or not, I am not sure, but for a wedding that was practically being made up as it went along, it turned out to be a disaster. Instead of making changes aware to all of the scattered guests throughout the city, only a select few actually got the messages, the others were left voice mails that never made it to their phones.

After looking around after lunch and casually walking back to the Stratosphere, we got a frantic call from one of the bridal party asking where we were....apparently one of the voice mails that did not go through was in regards to the timetable being pushed up and everyone was needing to be ready to leave in the caravan in 30 minutes. We were still a good 2 miles away, so we had to take a shuttle from the Wynn to the nearest monorail site to catch the monorail to the Sahara and then from there back to the Stratosphere. We nearly ran from the monorail station to the hotel, only to find out once we arrived that even the Bride was not ready after the latest time table change, she was still on the strip getting hair and makeup done. So we were granted a few extra minutes to dash in, shower, iron my shirt, change and make it downstairs before the caravan was to leave the hotel. Amazingly, shortly thereafter everyone was in a vehicle and waiting for the motor home containing the bride, groom, and wedding party, photographer and minister to lead the way out of town and into the wilderness.

Vegas Wedding Continued

2007-11-07T14:51:00.000-08:00

Details were still sketchy.....Originally everyone was to meet at a specified hotel location on the afternoon of the wedding and a caravan of cars would make the trek out into the desert and then there would be a wedding. Reception? Originally a downtown Las Vegas Casino reception was the plan - which sounded fun to those of us who enjoyed the older "Downtown" experience.

Several months before there was talk of a central hotel to house all the wedding guests with a special number that you gave when you made your reservation indicating you were with the wedding party. But that never materialized, and at the two month mark there was still no set hotel or plan for a hotel. At the one month mark, everyone began to just make their own arrangements and the first of many unfortunate realities of this wedding weekend came to the surface.

Apparently there were at least two if not more conventions going on in the city during that weekend. Many hotels were completely booked for the whole weekend, others had only one day available and with rooms at a premium, rates were going through the roof. Hotels with normal rates of $50 and $60 dollars a night were now $140 to $150 a night during this weekend...we all tried to get rooms at the same place, but that did not work.....the wedding attendees were scattered all over the strip and surrounding areas. Logistically this was a nightmare and trying to make plans that everyone could agree upon and work with became increasingly frustrating.

The second unfortunate, and unanticipated aspect of the weekend became apparent by Friday evening. After arriving in the early afternoon, the weather was gorgeous, sunny, not too hot, a nice breeze - perfect Vegas weather. By Friday night there was a shift in the forecast and the light breezes turned to gusty winds and the temps dropped dramatically.

Sin City Wedding

2007-11-05T17:08:00.000-08:00

When I first heard that there was going to be a wedding in Las Vegas my mind immediately started to conjure up the images of the Vegas Weddings that I had read about and heard of over the years....the Britney Spears train wrecks, the Elvis Impersonator’s, the drive thru Chapels, and never having been to one...I was sort of looking forward to finding out which kind of Vegas wedding this might turn out to be.

Plans were sketchy from the get go, and so no one that was attending had any real idea of what these nuptials might actually turn out to be....lots of speculation and talk as the months rolled by...this was a very free spirited couple so with them it could be anything goes...

So a few months before the wedding I got my invitation...hand made...very pretty..having us mark the date and time and location......but imagine my surprise when I noted the location of the wedding....no Little White Chapel, no Drive Thru Ceremony, the location of the wedding was the Red Rock Canyon outside the city. The first in many surprises that awaited during the wedding weekend. What does one wear to a canyon wedding? Part two to follow.

Musical Memories - Vegas Style

2007-11-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

I was in Las Vegas recently for a wedding. One evening we were at the Stratosphere gambling and the nightclub there POLLY ESTHERS was playing some great music....I was remembering days gone by and then this song came on. To me it was a window back to a great time in my life surrounded by fun and great music....hearing the song just made me smile and of course just want to dance...funny how some songs can always have that effect on you. Hope you enjoy it..maybe it will strike a chord in you.

Circus Anyone......

2007-10-11T20:25:00.001-07:00

I wear many hats during the course of any one day, we all do, but lately I think that sometimes I have been forgetting to take off the previous hat when I put on the new one, and I am beginning to just look silly....

Of course I like to think that I have mastered the art of multitasking. It seems essential in the world we live in today to be able to juggle the endless barrage of media that comes at you from every angle: constant incoming calls, emails, text messages, meetings, tele-conferences all seemingly begging for our immediate attention regardless of what is currently underway. Multitasking has become simply a prerequisite of most industries.

Usually I fight my overwhelmed feelings and bolster my ability to multitask by making a "to do" list throughout the day, only listing 5 small things at a time. After I completed five small tasks then I’d list 5 more. I think multitasking is ineffective if one is already overloaded. To me...what good is multitasking if it leaves me with lots of things only partially done so this 5 small things method seemed to work…

But lately, my abilities to keep my hats straight has been slipping...this afternoon was a prime example: By 2:00 I had not even thought of taking a lunch, but my headache was urging me in that direction - So I started some spreadsheets printing and went off to the lunchroom to put my lean cuisine in the microwave, then come back to see if the printing job had finished while getting a phone call that required me to retrieve some information from my lap top. This is how it all ended up: I had the information on my laptop and was verifying it with my colleague on the phone...while at the same time reading my e-mails and watching the attached you-tubes on my desk computer and answering a co-workers question...by this time it was 2:45 and I was moving right along...until I hear someone down the hall from my area calling out...."did someone leave a lean cuisine in the microwave" oops...not the multitask champion after all....

So I did a little research and found that according to a study published this month that "Multi-tasking is not a sustainable answer to the too much to do and too few to do it problem. The brain’s executive control processes, the resource allocators, are overstressed and the result is a measurable time-cost".

I need to learn how to juggle instead.

A Donut Dilemma

2007-10-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

Each of us are constantly in one way or another tested. In our career, our personal lives, we face many obstacles, challenges and roadblocks on our journeys. Some we tackle head on, some we go way around to avoid dealing with and some...just sneak up on you.

Lots of stress in my life lately. Stress with home and family, but even more are the work stresses. Anxiety over projects coming up, over personnel changes, and a lack of resources have made the past couple of weeks particularly challenging. But you do what you have to do....you focus, you hunker down and you "git er done". I deal with stress in a variety of ways....none of which is universally recommended, but pretty common I think.

I internalize. Always a popular choice. Keeping it inside, makes for a non-messy exterior, but an ulcer at 35 proved that my insides were not cooperating.

I drive. I get in the car, turn on the music and drive. I usually head North although I don’t know why. Driving lets me think and puts distance between me and the problem. Prescott is particularly popular for me.

I eat. The most popular of my stress reduction techniques....I took comfort in the simple joys of eating....comfort foods comforted me...never long lasting, but for the moment, it could always sooth away the most difficult of stress or anxiety. Many foods were always high on my stress eating top ten ( and no celery or carrot sticks were not among them). Coming in a consistent number one or two was that deep fried temptation...the donut.

Since making the decision to redirect my life in a new and healthier direction over the last 18 weeks I said a tearful goodbye to my special glazed friend. Knowing that a healthy future did not begin or end with a Krispy or a Dunkin.

After an early morning meeting where even more was heaped onto my already overflowing plate and losing a valued employee today that would leave me even further behind on all projects I returned to my desk and there sitting on the filing cabinet next to me was manna from heaven....two full, fresh boxes of donuts. They were so fresh you could smell the yeast and the unmistakable combination of cinnamon and sugar. Three dozen big, beautiful comforting confections all there for me to look at. Every part of me craved those donuts, any dedication or reminder of my 35 lb weight loss was nowhere to be found. I needed them. I was majorly stressed, depressed, and needed more than anything else the comfort that any or all varieties of donut might bring me. I know it was weak, knew it was fleeting, but more powerful than I can describe to you.

Rationalizing had already begun....I could treat myself - I had been doing so well, a few donuts would not hurt my overall weight loss. So I got up and walked over to the donuts and picked them up and carried the boxes across the room, came back to my desk grabbed a handful of almonds and realized that I was a bit stronger than I had realized and it felt good.

My Reflection

2007-09-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

How will I be remembered. What legacy will I leave in the hearts and minds of those close to me. In a smaller sense, how am I perceived by those around me. Am I coming across as the person I want to be, or do I give out a totally different impression.

I am the president of an employee action committee at my company, a position that I did not apply for, but was volunteered to by my boss. I took the spot because I felt I could do at least the same job if not better as the pervious person had done. The committee plans fund raising activities and employee events (company picnic, annual meeting, holiday party).

We had a meeting today and I was delayed on the phone for a couple minutes. The rest of the committee was already present when I came up the hallway towards the conference room. As I approached, a conversation was in progress - "I wonder how many assignments we’ll get today - he is quite the control freak isn’t he" " well he knows what he wants and expects that result" "yeah but somebody that anal must have some issues".

I can see it now.....and now we remember our friend as the anal control freak full of issues that we all knew. WOW. Not exactly the warm fuzzy I was hoping for...I supervise a division full of people...I am a friend, a son, and honestly I felt I had a pretty good inkling of the kind of person I was and the way I came across to others...apparently I am missing the mark somewhere.

Like most people I hope to leave a legacy from my time here on this planet. If not able to impact the entire world then at least a good number of its inhabitants. I want to have made a difference. To have left a lasting impression upon the lives of the people around me would give my life purpose and the chance that it might endure beyond my own time here. I have taken the many chances for growth I have had over the years and tried to put them to good use, becoming a person that I could be proud of and respect - and attempting to give that back out to the world in my dealings with people and circumstances. ANAL CONTROL FREAK WITH ISSUES - not so much.

Time for some re-examination I think.

A Glimmer of Light

2007-09-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

Over the past month or so I have had the feeling that something was amiss. I am still progressing with my diet and fitness plans, but almost felt as though I was phoning in the effort - going through the motions without the heart and conviction that I should have. In a broader sense, my whole life has been feeling that way lately, as though I was on a long highway I had traveled before - moving forward, but disconnected -I was on cruise control.

My father always called it coasting...when I was getting by well enough, but obviously not giving my best effort - coasting along on the merits of reputation, not results. I was aiming squarely for the status quo..and achieving it, but somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew that it was not where I wanted to be. I am grasping at the comforts of my well worn life, not wanting to embrace the evolution of myself. Change is hard, cold, and precarious. It requires effort, focus, and an increased understanding. I just wanted the assurance of what I had and what I already knew.

My life right now is what happens when the need for the "routine" collides with the inevitable change that comes with growth...and it’s not very pretty.

One of my co-workers called it perfectly..."what’s up with you Grumpy"?
Yup that’s me. Nothing seems to be right these days. I seem perturbed about everything. I know a lot of it stems from my weight loss and fitness regimes.

We live in a fast-paced world. If we are forced to have patience, we get frustrated. We tap our feet, we drum our fingers, we sigh, we blame the other driver, the inept cashier, the slow waitress. For our generation we need results NOW. Diet is no different. We need crash diets, instant pills, 48 hour fasts, surgeries to speed up the process. When the results don’t meet with our expectations, our first thought is to blame the method instead of ourselves. Society preys on this weakness and creates even more ways to "melt the pounds away". Some of my anger comes from my own gullibility and impatience in the process. But lets be really honest here...it didn’t take a week for you to become overweight...so why should it take any less time to take the weight off. The scale is not my friend, if I weight myself more than twice a week it mocks me and makes me even less likely to have that stick-to-it attitude. Right now slow and steady are not easy to come by.

Exercise is the same way. Park further away, take the stairs, take a walk, get up off your back and DO something. I am exercising, I do my cardio, but I don’t have the drive, the balls to the wall attitude that would make the scale more of a friend. I am getting there, but I am taking the scenic route. I will not take diet pills, not take metabolism boosters, excess pills are not what I need, I need an infusion of dedication and belief in myself. Sure a trainer would be nice, but I don’t need it. Sure not having a rotator cuff injury would make things easier, but its not the end of the world. Wanting it more than anything else, that’s what I need. Being complacent isn’t cutting it.

I don’t know how to jump start myself. How to reignite the fire of change that should be coursing through me right now...I am excited to see the changes, but I see that until I make an internal adjustment in the course of my life, decide that it’s ok to change and grow....then I will be stuck on that same path..."dancing through life".

Dancing through life

Skimming the surface

Gliding where turf is smooth

Life's more painless

For the brainless

Why think too hard?

When it's so soothing

Dancing through life

No need to tough it

When you can sluff it off as I do

Nothing matters

But knowing nothing matters

It's just life

So keep dancing through

Dancing through life

Swaying and sweeping

And always keeping cool

Life is fraught-less

When you're thoughtless

Those who don't try

Never look foolish

Dancing through life

Mindless and careless

Make sure you're where less

Trouble is rife

Woes are fleeting

Blows are glancing

When you're dancing

Through life:

from the Broadway musical Wicked
by Stephen Schwartz

Pedal Power

2007-08-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

In the ever present “Battle of the Bulge” I am pleased to report another milestone - 30 pounds lost. I have a phrase cut out and posted on my bulletin board at work..it says “it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”. That seems to be my mantra as of late…I am taking the plateau’s and riding them out…trying to eat healthier, keep up the exercise, and not be so “scale fixated”.

The need for keeping things interesting exercise wise has made me fall back on an old standard…I now have a new addition to my arsenal. Introducing my new Mongoose Mountain bike. Your immediate question….”should a man in his 40’s be riding a mountain bike” The jury is still out on that one.

The old adage at last for me does still hold up: “it’s like riding a bike” you never forget. Its true. For me the last time I rode a bike with any kind of consistency was during college. Once the bike was checked out, tires filled, water bottle ready – I did something else I never did back in my good old college riding days – I put on my new bike helmet. May I say this now, most people look dorky wearing a bike helmet – my new silver one makes me so much past dorky.

Here is the part I forgot. I think more than forgot, I simply pushed it from my mind choosing not to recall at all and move on. But like the flood of memories returning to an amnesiac the moment I pushed the pedal down and rode my first 3 feet it all came back to me……the seat, that numbing, genital crushing piece of torture…that’s why I didn’t ride my bike after college and drove everywhere…I wanted to not walk funny and have sensation in my groin.

So as you can imagine since college..certain parts of my anatomy have…well grown and expanded in an outward direction..hence the reasons for my fitness plan…so imagine fitting all of that volume on a seat shaped like a banana. My first ride was a success…felt good to ride…legs were strong, hands got tired, but overall really enjoyed it….but the next morning and for a couple of days following….I felt like the eraser that had been jammed down on top of a pencil…ouch.

I now have a cushioned gel seat to assist me. It helps some, but some reminders of days gone by will always be around. But on I go…if you see me out there say hello..I will be the dorky guy in the silver bike helmet with the grimace on his face.

Squats and Lunges Are The Tools Of The Devil

2007-08-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

With the renewed interest in all things health and diet related, I have undertaken a fitness plan as well as my dieting. It consists of two basic parts: the cardio portion, and the regular exercise portion. The cardio basically consists of a recumbent bike, the treadmill, and good ole walking. Like most of the world at large cardio is not my favorite, but it’s necessary...so I do it.

The exercise portion of my fitness plan was going to be based on using the weight machines and weight lifting at the gym, but due to an injury to my rotator cuff I wasn’t able to start. In the interim I decided I would purchase an exercise DVD and do an exercise routine at home to fill in for this part of my fitness needs. I spent a long time at the shelves of DVD’s pouring over the titles....what could I take on...what would represent a "good" workout. Almost every single selection they had to offer featured a lovely woman on the cover in some form of tight fitting work out attire. I didn’t want to do some sort of feminine work out...I wanted good ole fashion calisthenic exercise.

Finally after titles ranging from "Sweating to the Oldies", and "Erotic Belly Dancing for Beginners" to "Salsa Dancing for Fitness and Pleasure" I found a DVD with a guy on the front. It was called "Tom Holland’s Total Body Workout". Success - regular exercises, guy on the cover, this would do just fine. I paused for one minute in front of the Core Balls and related DVD’s...but moved quickly on....that saga is for another blog another time.

Got home, put on my not glamourous, loose fitting workout attire (shorts and a tank top) cleared an area in front of the TV and loaded up the "Total Body Workout". This is the part where if I had read more closely I would have realized that perhaps I wasn’t quite ready for the Tom Holland "experience". It is a 60 minute workout - fine...no problems...divided into different body groups...ok I can handle that....set to music....good I like that....without edits.....hmmm...um ok....well lets warm up a bit and off we go....

The warm up was fine...ok I can do this...and now let’s start with 30 seconds of cardio...running in place or jumping jacks...ok...can do that......now some squats.....ok now dumb bell curls....now down for some crunches...up for more squats...now more dumb bell curls....now more crunches...oh and then pushups....OH....WITHOUT EDITS....now 30 more seconds of cardio...now some lunges....and on and on and on...

Tom Holland whopped my ass. At the 14 minute mark I literally could not get up out of my crunch position...was drenched in sweat...had a cramp in my calf and Tom or (Attila) as I call him now hadn’t even broke a sweat. I Turned off the DVD, limped off to the shower and rethought the whole exercise at home decision. When the alarm went off early the next morning I knew that it was going to be a very long day. My neck would barely turn. The slightest flexing of any muscle below the waist reminded me that there was a reason I hadn’t done any of these exercises since highschool football.

The next day it was time to do it all again. My recovery time is not what it once was and I actually dreaded starting the DVD and doing it again...but I was determined....I got to 16 minutes on my second try. I am now up to 18 minutes. It’s embarrassing really...now I talk to the screen and call Tom Holland all sorts of names....at one point he says remember as your trainer you aren’t supposed to like me...THAT is a total understatement.

I Blog Because

2007-07-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I am a lurker. There I’ve said it. Reading blogs for well over a year now, but never actually making a comment, just lurking in the background reading, enjoying, and getting a sense of what it meant to blog. Why do people blog? The reasons are as varied as anything else in life but I think when everything is stripped away and only the most basic elements are left - we blog to be heard.

Existing in a world of remakes and reimaginings it appears that we might have run out of ideas, but that’s the beauty of blogs, they still represent the individual thoughts and ideas of vast collections of people. No two are identical, many similar thoughts, but each one like a snowflake, perfectly unique.

The reason I enjoy reading blogs is to glean that new perspective, to catch a glimpse into another mind, its like seeing into the hearts and minds of people and can be very powerful. Whether funny, or touching it’s the reality of the content that keeps me coming back to read each day.

One of the blogs I read is the perfect snapshot of its writer, a colorful, witty handsome man that embraces life and expresses his southern roots through his daily posts. Vain, a bit self involved, yet charming and very funny you were always guaranteed a slice of wit and wisdom. Over time though I noticed that the people posting comments to his blog were stating their preferences for the kind of posts they liked, whether it be pictures of him, silly video clips or his commentaries on the latest party attended. And eventually over time he began to pay attention. Recently posting a poll on his blog to find out exactly how many readers preferred what type of content. The overwhelming response was for the light bits of fluff and pictures that he interspersed among the truly meaningful posts about his life and struggles, etc. So it changed. Now just a collection of party anecdotes and plenty of pictures of the man himself it’s as if his voice vanished.

My blog only has three posts so far. I am still finding my voice. But the experience has been profound so far, and I look forward to continuing. Even after three posts, a reader of my blog said "you need to post something lighter, funny, not so heavy". My answer: this is my blog, my voice, and I will continue to write about whatever comes into my head and if it doesn’t suit you there are many other "fish in the sea".

If Today Is Your Birthday

2007-07-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

So many birthdays of people I know in July. My mother’s, my best friend’s, an ex, some family friends, co-workers all crammed into 31 days. Such a myriad of ages as well, many milestones, and for some just another year older.

For my mother it has been a year of battling health issues. Each new one has raised the reality of her own mortality and shortly thereafter we have begun a new type of conversation...one I have dreaded since my fathers passing....final wishes. At first it was a sudden mad rush of cleaning, actually more like purging that occurred throughout the house. I didn’t think a lot of it at the time, assuming it was simply a spring/summer cleaning. But eventually I realized she was downsizing. After tackling the garage I finally asked her why she was so determined to get rid of all this stuff of hers....her simple reply...."So you have less to go through after I am gone". The reality of it hit hard and brought tears to my eyes.

Next was the revision of the will. I never paid attention to it before, even after my fathers death it was an issue, but not one I considered very much. Now there were new terms to learn, Living Trust, Grantor, Trustee...I learned of my mothers preferences for who was to receive family jewelry, treasured possessions, names once in favor, now were changed out of favor - I felt as if I were eavesdropping on her private affairs until it became clear now that these were now my affairs as well. An eerie reality also became clear...as a single, only child what would become of my mothers estate if I were to pass before her. Difficult decisions to be made.

Then there was the issue of final wishes. I guess it had been on her mind so these decisions were definite, thought out and she seemed comfortable talking about them. I found it oddly reassuring that she did know what she wanted and that it was something I could assure her would take place.

Then it was done. The conversations ended and life went back much as it had been. She is still fighting health issues, but as of her birthday this month was hanging in there. We celebrated her birthday recently with a quiet dinner out. At the end of our meal I once again toasted her birthday and she thanked me and then very solemnly looked at me and said...I don’t think I will be here to celebrate next year.

Feeling Lighter

2007-07-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have recently lost some weight….OK I have recently lost almost 20lbs….finally it is to the place where people are starting to notice and comment…which is definitely a nice affirmation. Believe me I do appreciate it. I think honestly for the first time I was motivated to make this change, not by vanity or some need to fit into the norms of people around me, but by the fragility of my own life. Recently seeing one of my co-workers go from a trip to the emergency room for chest pain to a quadruple bypass in a day....really got me thinking about my own situation and how I was heading down that same path.

I can't believe how many years I have found a friend and an unconditional source of comfort in food. It was always there for me...welcoming me and giving me pleasure...never failing to give me the feeling of relief and refuge from the world around me. Whether stress or depression, it always came through....and although most of the time I regretted it afterwards, for the moment I was at peace and sheltered from the harsh world surrounding me. I was young and it never really mattered if I gained a few pounds here or there...if it kept me sane, it was more than worth it.

I am not young anymore. My once resilient body does not have the memory it once did. Now it begins to show the results of a life lived for the comfort of food. My health has suffered, and my body has suffered, and I as a person have suffered. It was easier to cook then to deal with my life, easier to eat than to exercise and treat myself with the respect that I afforded to making the perfect dinner.

My parents have given me a wonderful heritage and at the same time a boatload of pre-existing medical maladies passed down through generations and now finally into me. I face a future of diagnostic tests relating to histories of diabetes, heart disease and alzheimers. I see my need for comfort and refuge not changing, but I do see that food has begun to lose the hold it had on that part of me. I love to cook, love to eat, but now that I am in the middle portion of my life, I can see that I love the idea of living even more.

Tentative Steps

2007-07-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

I believe that I am an old soul...my tastes and likes seem to reflect a time gone by. Not that I live in the past, but I do see the past for what it contributed to the present. l believe that I am a product of that combining of old and new, classic themes and new age sensibilities, its makes me the evolved man that I am today. Far better than the man I was just a few years ago...like it or not I believe it has a cumulative effect and we do actually become more enlightened as we grow older. That is the blessing and for many the curse of growing up.

I haven't traveled on the path that I thought I would. Even when I became aware that I was destined to take a completely different path in life, I strayed from that path as well. Eventually becoming aware that it is not our destiny to follow the path, but actually it is the forging of the path as we travel it that helps us to reach our final destination. My life has taken me on a journey that I never would have imagined, taught me lessons I never expected it to..seemingly preparing me for something...but what.

As I reflect over the events of the past few years I continue to learn more about life and more about myself. The things that I thought I wanted, almost imperceptably changing into new wants and desires, the attitudes and decisions made previously now seem not as steadfast to me, perspective shifting once again towards a new horizon. I do know that my needs and wants seem to be getting simpler, broadened. I want to be happy. I want to get out of life everything I can. I want to express the love I have inside. I want to make each day count.