My Reflection

How will I be remembered. What legacy will I leave in the hearts and minds of those close to me. In a smaller sense, how am I perceived by those around me. Am I coming across as the person I want to be, or do I give out a totally different impression.

I am the president of an employee action committee at my company, a position that I did not apply for, but was volunteered to by my boss. I took the spot because I felt I could do at least the same job if not better as the pervious person had done. The committee plans fund raising activities and employee events (company picnic, annual meeting, holiday party).

We had a meeting today and I was delayed on the phone for a couple minutes. The rest of the committee was already present when I came up the hallway towards the conference room. As I approached, a conversation was in progress - "I wonder how many assignments we’ll get today - he is quite the control freak isn’t he" " well he knows what he wants and expects that result" "yeah but somebody that anal must have some issues".

I can see it now.....and now we remember our friend as the anal control freak full of issues that we all knew. WOW. Not exactly the warm fuzzy I was hoping for...I supervise a division full of people...I am a friend, a son, and honestly I felt I had a pretty good inkling of the kind of person I was and the way I came across to others...apparently I am missing the mark somewhere.

Like most people I hope to leave a legacy from my time here on this planet. If not able to impact the entire world then at least a good number of its inhabitants. I want to have made a difference. To have left a lasting impression upon the lives of the people around me would give my life purpose and the chance that it might endure beyond my own time here. I have taken the many chances for growth I have had over the years and tried to put them to good use, becoming a person that I could be proud of and respect - and attempting to give that back out to the world in my dealings with people and circumstances. ANAL CONTROL FREAK WITH ISSUES - not so much.

Time for some re-examination I think.

A Glimmer of Light

Over the past month or so I have had the feeling that something was amiss. I am still progressing with my diet and fitness plans, but almost felt as though I was phoning in the effort - going through the motions without the heart and conviction that I should have. In a broader sense, my whole life has been feeling that way lately, as though I was on a long highway I had traveled before - moving forward, but disconnected -I was on cruise control.

My father always called it coasting...when I was getting by well enough, but obviously not giving my best effort - coasting along on the merits of reputation, not results. I was aiming squarely for the status quo..and achieving it, but somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew that it was not where I wanted to be. I am grasping at the comforts of my well worn life, not wanting to embrace the evolution of myself. Change is hard, cold, and precarious. It requires effort, focus, and an increased understanding. I just wanted the assurance of what I had and what I already knew.

My life right now is what happens when the need for the "routine" collides with the inevitable change that comes with growth...and it’s not very pretty.

One of my co-workers called it perfectly..."what’s up with you Grumpy"?
Yup that’s me. Nothing seems to be right these days. I seem perturbed about everything. I know a lot of it stems from my weight loss and fitness regimes.

We live in a fast-paced world. If we are forced to have patience, we get frustrated. We tap our feet, we drum our fingers, we sigh, we blame the other driver, the inept cashier, the slow waitress. For our generation we need results NOW. Diet is no different. We need crash diets, instant pills, 48 hour fasts, surgeries to speed up the process. When the results don’t meet with our expectations, our first thought is to blame the method instead of ourselves. Society preys on this weakness and creates even more ways to "melt the pounds away". Some of my anger comes from my own gullibility and impatience in the process. But lets be really honest here...it didn’t take a week for you to become overweight...so why should it take any less time to take the weight off. The scale is not my friend, if I weight myself more than twice a week it mocks me and makes me even less likely to have that stick-to-it attitude. Right now slow and steady are not easy to come by.

Exercise is the same way. Park further away, take the stairs, take a walk, get up off your back and DO something. I am exercising, I do my cardio, but I don’t have the drive, the balls to the wall attitude that would make the scale more of a friend. I am getting there, but I am taking the scenic route. I will not take diet pills, not take metabolism boosters, excess pills are not what I need, I need an infusion of dedication and belief in myself. Sure a trainer would be nice, but I don’t need it. Sure not having a rotator cuff injury would make things easier, but its not the end of the world. Wanting it more than anything else, that’s what I need. Being complacent isn’t cutting it.

I don’t know how to jump start myself. How to reignite the fire of change that should be coursing through me right now...I am excited to see the changes, but I see that until I make an internal adjustment in the course of my life, decide that it’s ok to change and grow....then I will be stuck on that same path..."dancing through life".

Dancing through life

Skimming the surface

Gliding where turf is smooth

Life's more painless

For the brainless

Why think too hard?

When it's so soothing

Dancing through life

No need to tough it

When you can sluff it off as I do

Nothing matters

But knowing nothing matters

It's just life

So keep dancing through

Dancing through life

Swaying and sweeping

And always keeping cool

Life is fraught-less

When you're thoughtless

Those who don't try

Never look foolish

Dancing through life

Mindless and careless

Make sure you're where less

Trouble is rife

Woes are fleeting

Blows are glancing

When you're dancing

Through life:

from the Broadway musical Wicked
by Stephen Schwartz

Pedal Power

In the ever present “Battle of the Bulge” I am pleased to report another milestone - 30 pounds lost. I have a phrase cut out and posted on my bulletin board at work..it says “it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”. That seems to be my mantra as of late…I am taking the plateau’s and riding them out…trying to eat healthier, keep up the exercise, and not be so “scale fixated”.

The need for keeping things interesting exercise wise has made me fall back on an old standard…I now have a new addition to my arsenal. Introducing my new Mongoose Mountain bike. Your immediate question….”should a man in his 40’s be riding a mountain bike” The jury is still out on that one.

The old adage at last for me does still hold up: “it’s like riding a bike” you never forget. Its true. For me the last time I rode a bike with any kind of consistency was during college. Once the bike was checked out, tires filled, water bottle ready – I did something else I never did back in my good old college riding days – I put on my new bike helmet. May I say this now, most people look dorky wearing a bike helmet – my new silver one makes me so much past dorky.

Here is the part I forgot. I think more than forgot, I simply pushed it from my mind choosing not to recall at all and move on. But like the flood of memories returning to an amnesiac the moment I pushed the pedal down and rode my first 3 feet it all came back to me……the seat, that numbing, genital crushing piece of torture…that’s why I didn’t ride my bike after college and drove everywhere…I wanted to not walk funny and have sensation in my groin.

So as you can imagine since college..certain parts of my anatomy have…well grown and expanded in an outward direction..hence the reasons for my fitness plan…so imagine fitting all of that volume on a seat shaped like a banana. My first ride was a success…felt good to ride…legs were strong, hands got tired, but overall really enjoyed it….but the next morning and for a couple of days following….I felt like the eraser that had been jammed down on top of a pencil…ouch.

I now have a cushioned gel seat to assist me. It helps some, but some reminders of days gone by will always be around. But on I go…if you see me out there say hello..I will be the dorky guy in the silver bike helmet with the grimace on his face.

Squats and Lunges Are The Tools Of The Devil

With the renewed interest in all things health and diet related, I have undertaken a fitness plan as well as my dieting. It consists of two basic parts: the cardio portion, and the regular exercise portion. The cardio basically consists of a recumbent bike, the treadmill, and good ole walking. Like most of the world at large cardio is not my favorite, but it’s necessary...so I do it.

The exercise portion of my fitness plan was going to be based on using the weight machines and weight lifting at the gym, but due to an injury to my rotator cuff I wasn’t able to start. In the interim I decided I would purchase an exercise DVD and do an exercise routine at home to fill in for this part of my fitness needs. I spent a long time at the shelves of DVD’s pouring over the titles....what could I take on...what would represent a "good" workout. Almost every single selection they had to offer featured a lovely woman on the cover in some form of tight fitting work out attire. I didn’t want to do some sort of feminine work out...I wanted good ole fashion calisthenic exercise.

Finally after titles ranging from "Sweating to the Oldies", and "Erotic Belly Dancing for Beginners" to "Salsa Dancing for Fitness and Pleasure" I found a DVD with a guy on the front. It was called "Tom Holland’s Total Body Workout". Success - regular exercises, guy on the cover, this would do just fine. I paused for one minute in front of the Core Balls and related DVD’s...but moved quickly on....that saga is for another blog another time.

Got home, put on my not glamourous, loose fitting workout attire (shorts and a tank top) cleared an area in front of the TV and loaded up the "Total Body Workout". This is the part where if I had read more closely I would have realized that perhaps I wasn’t quite ready for the Tom Holland "experience". It is a 60 minute workout - fine...no problems...divided into different body groups...ok I can handle that....set to music....good I like that....without edits.....hmmm...um ok....well lets warm up a bit and off we go....

The warm up was fine...ok I can do this...and now let’s start with 30 seconds of cardio...running in place or jumping jacks...ok...can do that......now some squats.....ok now dumb bell curls....now down for some crunches...up for more squats...now more dumb bell curls....now more crunches...oh and then pushups....OH....WITHOUT EDITS....now 30 more seconds of cardio...now some lunges....and on and on and on...

Tom Holland whopped my ass. At the 14 minute mark I literally could not get up out of my crunch position...was drenched in sweat...had a cramp in my calf and Tom or (Attila) as I call him now hadn’t even broke a sweat. I Turned off the DVD, limped off to the shower and rethought the whole exercise at home decision. When the alarm went off early the next morning I knew that it was going to be a very long day. My neck would barely turn. The slightest flexing of any muscle below the waist reminded me that there was a reason I hadn’t done any of these exercises since highschool football.

The next day it was time to do it all again. My recovery time is not what it once was and I actually dreaded starting the DVD and doing it again...but I was determined....I got to 16 minutes on my second try. I am now up to 18 minutes. It’s embarrassing really...now I talk to the screen and call Tom Holland all sorts of names....at one point he says remember as your trainer you aren’t supposed to like me...THAT is a total understatement.