Extra, Extra Read All About It....

Another February, another year....my efforts at chronicling the life and times of yours truly have been spotty to non-existent. My reasons are varied and in my own mind seemingly valid, but upon close inspection it is yet one more thing that has fallen through the cracks...put aside for more "pressing" things and then never quite gotten back to.

In addition there has been many moments during 2009 that I simply have not wanted to write. The daily motions of life itself have been wearing me down and now by this most recent February 2010 I am feeling tired, worn out and more than a bit discouraged. Makes you want to read on..doesn't it.

I am not unique in these tough times. In fact I am typical of what so many people are currently dealing with and going through. My job is in jeopardy, I have taken a pay cut, my home is barely above water, my health insurance is practically non-affordable and during these my prime earning years, my salary is heading down. Gas prices mean I travel less, can't afford luxury items and must make hard decisions regarding giving up cable and other extras.

Life in this February comes with a built in layer of fear. It hangs over me and is always in my thoughts. Like a persistent ache or pain it constantly reminds me that I am one of those people who could easily become homeless dues to one large scale financial catastrophe. I recently had to take my car in due to the "check engine" light coming on....$800.00 later I am even more sure of how close I am to being one of the statistics that I hear about on the news.

Through all this I consider myself lucky. I have a job still, I have a house still, I have a car that still runs. There are so many in far worse shape than I that I feel about the only place I can vent is here....in the relative solitude of this blog. I need to keep on my game face...keep my chin up, show those around me and myself that in spite of everything life goes on. I must remind myself that there are still wonderful aspects to each and every day and that if I lose sight of those and the people that help to make them, that I too will become a victim instead of a victor.

My Inner Dorian Grey

I had one of those moments today...you know the ones that stops you dead in your tracks and slams a big ole piece of reality up in your face for you to examine. Did I make the right decisions..did I go down the right path. It's not that often that you get to see a slice of that kind of reality..but there mine was....and of all places on facebook.

I got the chance to glimpse a life that could have been mine..see choices and realities that could have been my own..from a distance. I had the chance to see what life might have been for another me. I suppose on some level I look at those decisions that I made like my own portrait of Dorian Grey...coloring my life from the inside, changing my persona and personality. With each decision come a set of consequences that set in motion a chain of events that add a few more layers to my portrait. Certainly upon reflection I have made some really bad decisions - choosing directions that were solely for me instead of those around me. Looking at the needs of the moment instead of the bigger picture.

Most days I have no need to gaze upon the portrait I have painted for myself - it resides inside in a place that rarely gets any real scrutiny from me...the hours and days and years pass and life moves ahead without pause - that's how life is. Once or twice a year for just a moment..I catch a glimpse..on a certain day or after hearing a certain song but it is short lived and never dwelled upon...too much to do..too much to dread.

Today, because life is hard right now, because life isn't going particularly well, because I have so very much to question about my life it hit me hard. There it was the surreal idyllic life I might have had...everything bright and shiny. The friends I used to have, the places I used to go..the favorite things that occupied my hours. Facebook is unique that way...I saw a life with all it's trappings - full of people and places and experiences right there with the click of my mouse. It transported me back to a lifetime ago...when I was another person completely. What would have happened on that path? Would my portrait have become the unrecognizable image of so many bad decisions?

Another deadline, another mindless task requires my attention and snaps me back into my own reality. Taking a final look inside at my own Dorian Grey I close the door and realize that I am on the path I was meant to take, the other paths weren't meant for me to wander down. This road continues to wind and although particularly perilous at the moment..I don't know what lies beyond it. My decisions, my actions propel me down the path and continue to paint each stroke of my portrait.

Lifting My Spirits

My favorite season in Autumn. The sights and smells and colors all invigorate me and prepare me for the holiday season. Halloween has always been a favorite excuse for letting go and letting down ones guard. This is the night of the year when you can be whoever you want - to forget the bonds that keep you from day to day and to freely explore a new world.

Even at work I try to stir up the spirits of my co-workers and always try to plan a Halloween celebration at work. Usually they turn out very well - people do like to play dress up and get scared and embrace the child inside - even if they are working on a spreadsheet at the same time.

My favorite work party was a couple of years ago. Everyone got caught up in the festiveness of the day and a very special cake made for an even more special occasion..our theme "Everyone Has To Go Sometime" worked perfectly...and we had 16 people in costume...there is just something in the air during Autumn that always lifts my spirits.

How I Spent My Summer

By the end of September work inside our building was finally wrapping up. We were all tired of being the warehouse Swiss Family Robinson...tired of the tubes and the porta potties...tired of sharing phones and computers...we wanted our home back.

All of our furniture had to be replaced, and although it was nice to have a new area, and a new modular and a new computer....we did have to pitch in and put them all together. It was like turning 60 people loose in a big empty building with nothing but instructions from IKEA. We knew the pieces fit together...but they didn't tell us they fit together lots of different ways.

Everyone became impatient as the move in date back into the building got closer and closer...of course everyone wanted to be the first back in, but IT was very specific about who had phone and computer access first...it got a bit ugly I can tell you...but by the first week of October we were back in our home...our roof now able to withstand any storm or natural disaster the desert could dish out. Life settled back into its natural rhythm in seemingly no time...and now we all had stories to tell of how we spent our summer...roughing it.