My Inner Dorian Grey

I had one of those moments today...you know the ones that stops you dead in your tracks and slams a big ole piece of reality up in your face for you to examine. Did I make the right decisions..did I go down the right path. It's not that often that you get to see a slice of that kind of reality..but there mine was....and of all places on facebook.

I got the chance to glimpse a life that could have been mine..see choices and realities that could have been my own..from a distance. I had the chance to see what life might have been for another me. I suppose on some level I look at those decisions that I made like my own portrait of Dorian Grey...coloring my life from the inside, changing my persona and personality. With each decision come a set of consequences that set in motion a chain of events that add a few more layers to my portrait. Certainly upon reflection I have made some really bad decisions - choosing directions that were solely for me instead of those around me. Looking at the needs of the moment instead of the bigger picture.

Most days I have no need to gaze upon the portrait I have painted for myself - it resides inside in a place that rarely gets any real scrutiny from me...the hours and days and years pass and life moves ahead without pause - that's how life is. Once or twice a year for just a moment..I catch a glimpse..on a certain day or after hearing a certain song but it is short lived and never dwelled upon...too much to do..too much to dread.

Today, because life is hard right now, because life isn't going particularly well, because I have so very much to question about my life it hit me hard. There it was the surreal idyllic life I might have had...everything bright and shiny. The friends I used to have, the places I used to go..the favorite things that occupied my hours. Facebook is unique that way...I saw a life with all it's trappings - full of people and places and experiences right there with the click of my mouse. It transported me back to a lifetime ago...when I was another person completely. What would have happened on that path? Would my portrait have become the unrecognizable image of so many bad decisions?

Another deadline, another mindless task requires my attention and snaps me back into my own reality. Taking a final look inside at my own Dorian Grey I close the door and realize that I am on the path I was meant to take, the other paths weren't meant for me to wander down. This road continues to wind and although particularly perilous at the moment..I don't know what lies beyond it. My decisions, my actions propel me down the path and continue to paint each stroke of my portrait.