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I had one of those moments today...you know the ones that stops you dead in your tracks and slams a big ole piece of reality up in your face for you to examine. Did I make the right decisions..did I go down the right path. It's not that often that you get to see a slice of that kind of reality..but there mine was....and of all places on facebook.
I got the chance to glimpse a life that could have been mine..see choices and realities that could have been my own..from a distance. I had the chance to see what life might have been for another me. I suppose on some level I look at those decisions that I made like my own portrait of Dorian Grey...coloring my life from the inside, changing my persona and personality. With each decision come a set of consequences that set in motion a chain of events that add a few more layers to my portrait. Certainly upon reflection I have made some really bad decisions - choosing directions that were solely for me instead of those around me. Looking at the needs of the moment instead of the bigger picture.
Most days I have no need to gaze upon the portrait I have painted for myself - it resides inside in a place that rarely gets any real scrutiny from me...the hours and days and years pass and life moves ahead without pause - that's how life is. Once or twice a year for just a moment..I catch a glimpse..on a certain day or after hearing a certain song but it is short lived and never dwelled upon...too much to do..too much to dread.
Today, because life is hard right now, because life isn't going particularly well, because I have so very much to question about my life it hit me hard. There it was the surreal idyllic life I might have had...everything bright and shiny. The friends I used to have, the places I used to go..the favorite things that occupied my hours. Facebook is unique that way...I saw a life with all it's trappings - full of people and places and experiences right there with the click of my mouse. It transported me back to a lifetime ago...when I was another person completely. What would have happened on that path? Would my portrait have become the unrecognizable image of so many bad decisions?
Another deadline, another mindless task requires my attention and snaps me back into my own reality. Taking a final look inside at my own Dorian Grey I close the door and realize that I am on the path I was meant to take, the other paths weren't meant for me to wander down. This road continues to wind and although particularly perilous at the moment..I don't know what lies beyond it. My decisions, my actions propel me down the path and continue to paint each stroke of my portrait.
My favorite season in Autumn. The sights and smells and colors all invigorate me and prepare me for the holiday season. Halloween has always been a favorite excuse for letting go and letting down ones guard. This is the night of the year when you can be whoever you want - to forget the bonds that keep you from day to day and to freely explore a new world.
Even at work I try to stir up the spirits of my co-workers and always try to plan a Halloween celebration at work. Usually they turn out very well - people do like to play dress up and get scared and embrace the child inside - even if they are working on a spreadsheet at the same time.
My favorite work party was a couple of years ago. Everyone got caught up in the festiveness of the day and a very special cake made for an even more special occasion..our theme "Everyone Has To Go Sometime" worked perfectly...and we had 16 people in costume...there is just something in the air during Autumn that always lifts my spirits.
By the end of September work inside our building was finally wrapping up. We were all tired of being the warehouse Swiss Family Robinson...tired of the tubes and the porta potties...tired of sharing phones and computers...we wanted our home back.
All of our furniture had to be replaced, and although it was nice to have a new area, and a new modular and a new computer....we did have to pitch in and put them all together. It was like turning 60 people loose in a big empty building with nothing but instructions from IKEA. We knew the pieces fit together...but they didn't tell us they fit together lots of different ways.
Everyone became impatient as the move in date back into the building got closer and closer...of course everyone wanted to be the first back in, but IT was very specific about who had phone and computer access first...it got a bit ugly I can tell you...but by the first week of October we were back in our home...our roof now able to withstand any storm or natural disaster the desert could dish out. Life settled back into its natural rhythm in seemingly no time...and now we all had stories to tell of how we spent our summer...roughing it.
In case you're wondering.....standing water in July...smells really bad. So after the rain...the mess. Once the city had cordoned off the roof section of our building we were allowed back in to start gathering anything we could salvage...unfortunately all our computer CPU's were housed on the floor and we lost all files in lateral file cabinets - plus the server room had also sustained damage. Armed with brooms and mops and wet vacs we got most of the water out..but where would we go?
Being the resourceful people we are....our nice big relatively unharmed warehouse seemed to provide the answer...but with only 2 evaporative coolers and a staff of almost 60 - we could never survive in 105 plus degree temps for the 6-8 weeks needed to make our building habitable again...or could we...enter THE TUBES...with massive generators going 10 hours a day the tubes brought us the air conditioning we needed to survive and so with mad skills that would make McGuyver proud we built an office home in a warehouse.
In the first part of my dream there was a storm...a monsoon storm.
Every summer in Arizona the monsoons roll in....the humidity rises and the afternoon sky fills with ominous clouds that usually accompany a wall of dust that covers everything in its path with grit, and dirt. Then the lightning and rain come...monsoon storms can be very brief, but very intense or they can linger a while causing flooding and wind damage.
It was just after the fourth of July the seventh I think and the monsoon storms were coming in almost every night. The humidity was up and it was 105 degrees or so and the middle of summer. The storm on this particular night built up over the course of a few hours and by 9:00 p.m. the wind was whipping and the rain was coming down in sheets. Central Phoenix was bearing the brunt of this cell of the storm and the radar showed several microbursts (a microburst is a small, very intense downdraft that descends to the ground resulting in a strong wind divergence).
At my office in central Phoenix this particular monsoon was really stirring things up. I work in a large building with a flat roof and an even larger attached warehouse. On the side of the building are two large trees that provide shade and an area for employees to eat lunch or take a break. Lightning hit one of those trees that evening and caused a large limb to break and fall onto the roof. The limb was dense and leafy and completely blocked the rain gutter on this part of the roof. A microburst ensued and at least 2 inches of rain fell. The water having nowhere to runoff pooled on that portion of the roof. Water is heavy - and at 9:37 the roof could not hold the weight any longer.
The roof collapsed and when it fell one of the ceiling beams sheared off the water main that rested underneath that portion of the office sending thousands of gallons of water into our building. The first employee to arrive was a driver who upon entering the lower warehouse dock area saw water seeping out from underneath the doors. Inside the building and the throughout the warehouse stood 17 inches of water. When he unlocked the door and opened it...the cascade of water filled the back parking lot...when the front door was opened an ocean of paper, files, seat cushions and office supplies flowed out of the door and onto our lawn.
We were lucky, had the storm occurred during working hours investigators concluded that at least 10 employees could have been killed with many more injured.
You lay down for a little nap and suddenly it's six months later...just think of it this way...remember in Dallas how that whole season basically went to hell and everything was outta whack and then Pam wakes up to the sound of the shower and Voila it was all a dream...well a few of the details are a little hazy but for the most part here is what happened in my dream...
I had one of those moments today...you know the ones that stops you dead in your tracks and slams a big ole piece of reality up in your face for you to examine. Did I make the right decisions..did I go down the right path. It's not that often that you get to see a slice of that kind of reality..but there mine was....and of all places on facebook.
