I Blog Because

I am a lurker. There I’ve said it. Reading blogs for well over a year now, but never actually making a comment, just lurking in the background reading, enjoying, and getting a sense of what it meant to blog. Why do people blog? The reasons are as varied as anything else in life but I think when everything is stripped away and only the most basic elements are left - we blog to be heard.

Existing in a world of remakes and reimaginings it appears that we might have run out of ideas, but that’s the beauty of blogs, they still represent the individual thoughts and ideas of vast collections of people. No two are identical, many similar thoughts, but each one like a snowflake, perfectly unique.

The reason I enjoy reading blogs is to glean that new perspective, to catch a glimpse into another mind, its like seeing into the hearts and minds of people and can be very powerful. Whether funny, or touching it’s the reality of the content that keeps me coming back to read each day.

One of the blogs I read is the perfect snapshot of its writer, a colorful, witty handsome man that embraces life and expresses his southern roots through his daily posts. Vain, a bit self involved, yet charming and very funny you were always guaranteed a slice of wit and wisdom. Over time though I noticed that the people posting comments to his blog were stating their preferences for the kind of posts they liked, whether it be pictures of him, silly video clips or his commentaries on the latest party attended. And eventually over time he began to pay attention. Recently posting a poll on his blog to find out exactly how many readers preferred what type of content. The overwhelming response was for the light bits of fluff and pictures that he interspersed among the truly meaningful posts about his life and struggles, etc. So it changed. Now just a collection of party anecdotes and plenty of pictures of the man himself it’s as if his voice vanished.

My blog only has three posts so far. I am still finding my voice. But the experience has been profound so far, and I look forward to continuing. Even after three posts, a reader of my blog said "you need to post something lighter, funny, not so heavy". My answer: this is my blog, my voice, and I will continue to write about whatever comes into my head and if it doesn’t suit you there are many other "fish in the sea".

If Today Is Your Birthday

So many birthdays of people I know in July. My mother’s, my best friend’s, an ex, some family friends, co-workers all crammed into 31 days. Such a myriad of ages as well, many milestones, and for some just another year older.

For my mother it has been a year of battling health issues. Each new one has raised the reality of her own mortality and shortly thereafter we have begun a new type of conversation...one I have dreaded since my fathers passing....final wishes. At first it was a sudden mad rush of cleaning, actually more like purging that occurred throughout the house. I didn’t think a lot of it at the time, assuming it was simply a spring/summer cleaning. But eventually I realized she was downsizing. After tackling the garage I finally asked her why she was so determined to get rid of all this stuff of hers....her simple reply...."So you have less to go through after I am gone". The reality of it hit hard and brought tears to my eyes.

Next was the revision of the will. I never paid attention to it before, even after my fathers death it was an issue, but not one I considered very much. Now there were new terms to learn, Living Trust, Grantor, Trustee...I learned of my mothers preferences for who was to receive family jewelry, treasured possessions, names once in favor, now were changed out of favor - I felt as if I were eavesdropping on her private affairs until it became clear now that these were now my affairs as well. An eerie reality also became clear...as a single, only child what would become of my mothers estate if I were to pass before her. Difficult decisions to be made.

Then there was the issue of final wishes. I guess it had been on her mind so these decisions were definite, thought out and she seemed comfortable talking about them. I found it oddly reassuring that she did know what she wanted and that it was something I could assure her would take place.

Then it was done. The conversations ended and life went back much as it had been. She is still fighting health issues, but as of her birthday this month was hanging in there. We celebrated her birthday recently with a quiet dinner out. At the end of our meal I once again toasted her birthday and she thanked me and then very solemnly looked at me and said...I don’t think I will be here to celebrate next year.

Feeling Lighter

I have recently lost some weight….OK I have recently lost almost 20lbs….finally it is to the place where people are starting to notice and comment…which is definitely a nice affirmation. Believe me I do appreciate it. I think honestly for the first time I was motivated to make this change, not by vanity or some need to fit into the norms of people around me, but by the fragility of my own life. Recently seeing one of my co-workers go from a trip to the emergency room for chest pain to a quadruple bypass in a day....really got me thinking about my own situation and how I was heading down that same path.

I can't believe how many years I have found a friend and an unconditional source of comfort in food. It was always there for me...welcoming me and giving me pleasure...never failing to give me the feeling of relief and refuge from the world around me. Whether stress or depression, it always came through....and although most of the time I regretted it afterwards, for the moment I was at peace and sheltered from the harsh world surrounding me. I was young and it never really mattered if I gained a few pounds here or there...if it kept me sane, it was more than worth it.

I am not young anymore. My once resilient body does not have the memory it once did. Now it begins to show the results of a life lived for the comfort of food. My health has suffered, and my body has suffered, and I as a person have suffered. It was easier to cook then to deal with my life, easier to eat than to exercise and treat myself with the respect that I afforded to making the perfect dinner.

My parents have given me a wonderful heritage and at the same time a boatload of pre-existing medical maladies passed down through generations and now finally into me. I face a future of diagnostic tests relating to histories of diabetes, heart disease and alzheimers. I see my need for comfort and refuge not changing, but I do see that food has begun to lose the hold it had on that part of me. I love to cook, love to eat, but now that I am in the middle portion of my life, I can see that I love the idea of living even more.

Tentative Steps

I believe that I am an old soul...my tastes and likes seem to reflect a time gone by. Not that I live in the past, but I do see the past for what it contributed to the present. l believe that I am a product of that combining of old and new, classic themes and new age sensibilities, its makes me the evolved man that I am today. Far better than the man I was just a few years ago...like it or not I believe it has a cumulative effect and we do actually become more enlightened as we grow older. That is the blessing and for many the curse of growing up.

I haven't traveled on the path that I thought I would. Even when I became aware that I was destined to take a completely different path in life, I strayed from that path as well. Eventually becoming aware that it is not our destiny to follow the path, but actually it is the forging of the path as we travel it that helps us to reach our final destination. My life has taken me on a journey that I never would have imagined, taught me lessons I never expected it to..seemingly preparing me for something...but what.

As I reflect over the events of the past few years I continue to learn more about life and more about myself. The things that I thought I wanted, almost imperceptably changing into new wants and desires, the attitudes and decisions made previously now seem not as steadfast to me, perspective shifting once again towards a new horizon. I do know that my needs and wants seem to be getting simpler, broadened. I want to be happy. I want to get out of life everything I can. I want to express the love I have inside. I want to make each day count.