The Promise of A New Year

OK....call me corny, or sentimental, or sappy or whatever. Call me eternally optimistic and horribly naive, but I always see the beginning of a New Year as a chance for new beginnings and a fresh start. To me the moments just after midnight on New Years signals the opportunity to push aside the failures and regrets of the previous year, the unfulfilled promises and the abandoned goals.

I like making New Year’s resolutions. I like stating aloud the things about myself and my life that I would like to make my years work. For me it helps to make it more real and far more likely for me to work towards. I think everyone if given the opportunity has things they would like to change, or make better. Yes I know that any day can be that day when one will finally put their mind to it and begin in earnest, but there is some sort of a grander, more romantic gesture to it when done in the spirit of the New Year.

2007 saw a great number of changes for me. Some were sad, some were very positive, but unlike some previous years at least it was a year of change. There was movement in my life...mostly in a forward direction. I feel at year’s end that I am not in the same position I was on January 1st of 2007, and for that I am glad. I saw in myself the ability to make life altering changes during this year. I also confronted beliefs about the future and my own destiny. I made new friends, I took some risks. I went out of my comfort zone, and I didn’t melt. I hope that 2008 will see these things continue.

My wish for everyone that may read this blog is that in your own life, you make 2008 a year of wonderful discoveries about yourself, about the possibilities that exist around you, and that it is a year of moments that will make memories long after 2008.

Happy New Year

Christmas 2007

Christmas Day has come and gone once again, but the holiday season is still moving forward with a new year now looming on the horizon. As I do every year, I stressed incredibly in the weeks leading up to Christmas....wanting everything to be "right". So many things I want to see and do during this short holiday season as well, I am lucky to make it to one of them. But all of the running around and self induced stress worked out and it was a very nice Christmas.

Perhaps my favorite parts of this particular holiday were the special moments of magic that made their way into my world from friends and family alike. The unexpected Christmas card from someone long absent, the Christmas Day phone calls from friends and family, the unexpected generosity of friends going out of their ways to make me smile with gifts specially created for me lovingly made with time and effort. A very nice couple of days spent with my mom, just enjoying her company and sharing the season together. All and all, A Christmas that made me truly feel the spirit of the season, I am a lucky man for having the luxury of loving family and friends around me.

I hope everyone had a nice Holiday celebration and was surrounded by friends and family.

My Own Poseidon Adventure

Charles Minnegrode introduced the custom of decorating trees in Williamsburg, Virginia in 1842.
By 1850, the Christmas tree had become fashionable in the eastern states. Until this time, it had been considered a quaint foreign custom.

Mark Carr brought trees from the Catskills to the streets of New York in 1851, and opened the first retail Christmas tree lot in the United States.

Franklin Pierce was the first president to introduce the Christmas tree to the White House in 1856 for a group of Washington Sunday School children. The first national Christmas Tree was lighted in the year 1923 on the White House lawn by President Calvin Coolidge.

Over the course of the past week I have decorated three separate Christmas Trees. I believe there is nothing quite as festive as trimming the tree to get one in the holiday mood. Two of the three trees were artificial, but one came right from the lot, freshly cut and full of that wonderful smell that fills the house with the fragrance of pine.

Like people, each tree has its own unique personality, even year to year with the same decorations, each tree takes on a look of it’s own. Some years I must admit..perhaps more effort was spent on design and overall look, but somehow they all looked good in the end as Christmas trees just do.

The third and last of the trees I decorated was my own tree. Although a lot more effort and time, having a real tree is still my preference. This years search went remarkably well. My final choice was the second tree I looked at. It was the right size, a good shape, and although tempted to keep looking, I finally realized..hey I like this one...and so I went with it.

Getting it home, and getting it set up...again easy. I have had trees in the past that were lopsided, not cut straight, or that had really low branches that made it hard to access for water, etc. But this tree was good in all those respects, and in no time it was up and ready to decorate. It is a noble fir, and the lights and decorations went on very easily. I used practically every ornament I had and after the application of the glass garland, the tree ( in my humble opinion) was truly practically perfect. I even went so far as to say aloud "I should take a picture of this tree". Less than a minute after that while sitting looking upon this beautiful reminder of the holiday season that I watched it slowly fall forward onto the ground, fully decorated, lights on and I felt much like Shelley Winters and Jack Albertson as a member of the S.S. Poseidon.

Like the movie, water went everywhere, for I had filled the tree stand to the very top. As far as I can figure, the tree was so fresh that when the water filled up the stand, the bolts going into the tree slipped out of place, and the tree fell forward out of the stand onto the carpet. I sat still completely horrified and unable to react. It was only the rushing sound of the water pouring onto the carpet that I sprang into action.

The tree was wrestled back into the stand, the bolts tightened completely into the tree. Amazingly, I only lost one ornament. But the tree was a wreck. I still haven’t mustered up the will to fix it, now 4 days later, but I will. I hope that the 4th tree that I decorate this year will turnout like the others.

Countdown to Christmas

My parents like most parents out there I’m sure hoped that they would raise their children with at least some of the principles and ethics that they might want to pass on to them. I am sure many just hope that they will grow up to be upright citizens and move out of the house at the proper age. Despite the usual ups and downs of growing up, I have to admit I was incredibly lucky to have grown up with so many wonderful memories and traditions and experiences that truly did shape the man I turned out to be.

At this time of the year I begin to get anxious...the Autumn starts an exciting time of the year for me and I have to wonder once again what makes Christmas "the most wonderful time of the year." As the days get shorter and more stressful, I find myself joining the millions of people worldwide who love Christmas and harken to that "Christmas spirit." But what is it about Christmas that makes it so special? A simple string of white lights wrapped around a lamppost is all it takes for me to be overcome by happy feelings and powerful associations.

I've often thought that it's the traditions that come along with Christmas that make it so special. I feel safe and happy when I'm doing something familiar -- something I've known since I was a little boy. Many of these traditions have morphed over the years - grown up or changed with the times, but I have such crystal clear memories of many of the traditions started from my grandparents and then down to my parents to myself; everything about Christmas in my family has some tradition with it. Like the Advent Calendar.

How excited I would become as a child when my grandfather would bring over the Advent calendar for me. As December 1st approached I could barely wait until I got to open that first window to see my first image of the season. Every year the calendar was different, usually imported from Germany or Scandinavia they became a beautiful and integral part of my countdown to Christmas.

This year I was surprised by the gift of my own permanent Advent Calendar. I still felt the same child like joy and anticipation as I looked forward to each morning and the opportunity to count my way down to Christmas Day. It was the perfect gift, the best possible reminder for me of the magic of the season. For me it brings back all the wonder and the anticipation of those Christmas’ growing up.

I’m not sure what it is about this time of year. Perhaps it's the excuse Christmas gives us to be friendly, and to expect friendliness in return. People are too busy or too stressed to be nice all year long, but Christmas has managed to retain some of its goodwill message. Perhaps it is the reminders of our own childhood memories and the joy that they brought us that makes us smile a bit more at this festive time of the year. For me though this holiday season has started off with a most thoughtful and generous gift from the heart that makes me smile a little bigger and makes this years countdown to Christmas even better.

A Vegas Wedding - The Final Chapter

Caravan: a procession traveling together in single file. Makes sense if one is traveling in a covered wagon, or in a funeral procession, but try to get a caravan of 12 vehicles to stay together in single file in Las Vegas on a Saturday afternoon - I speak from experience when I tell you that it is nearly impossible. Oh did I mention yet that this trek also involved getting out of the strip, maneuvering 2 freeways and then the long, winding road into the mountains.

One would think that following a gigantic motorhome would not be that difficult, but in a vacation mecca like Las Vegas you never really realized just how many gigantic motorhomes there really are. From our exit from the parking lot of the hotel, the caravan was broken immediately. Being the resourceful wedding guests that we were, we began a caravan chain, from the motorhome car, by car trying to relay direction, traffic hazards, turnoffs, etc. At one point in our car we had three cell phones going at one time relaying directions back and forth. It would have made our poineer covered wagon ancestors proud, no matter the difficulty, we kept the caravan alive and intact.......well more or less. There were a few stragglers, but we eventually got them rejoined with the rest of the herd.

We thought it would be a relatively short drive, but actually took almost 40 minutes to get all of us out into the wilderness and into the natural preserve land that housed the red rock canyon. The Bride and Groom were still very tight lipped as to what awaited us, and only later would we find out that was because they had no idea either...the company and the site were chosen off of the Internet because their site looked good.

Finally we turned off the road and passed into the natural preserve. Almost immediately we made another turn in to the visitors parking area....we presumed that was to allow anyone not with the group to have time to rejoin us, but we were surprised to find the motorhome parking. Slowly, we all exited our vehicles...men in their shirts and ties, women in their cocktail dresses, to be greeted by cold gusts of wind that blew all over this parking area. On the edge of the parking strip off in the distance was the Red Rock Canyon, a beautiful site. We were not alone in the parking area either, there were a group of bikers, some tourists, and before we left, another wedding party.

After milling around a bit, it was confirmed that yes indeed we were at the wedding site. Additionally, we had to get a move on, because we were losing light. So there among the onlookers in the parking area we had the wedding. The ceremony was lovely, and I was truly honored to be invited to share in a couples public commitment to each other. Yes, it was very cold, the women shivered and the men pretended not to, but the beauty of the Canyon in the background was undeniable. After the ceremony and pictures we found out the reception was to be held here as well, under a metal awning at the other end of the parking area. In the fading light and increasing chill we ate cold sandwiches and warm soda until it was so dark, we couldn’t make out the happy couple anymore without the assistance of the headlights of one of our vehicles. We packed everything up, and found our way in the dark to our vehicles, the heat, and slowly made our way out of the nature preserve and back into civilization.

We all ended up at the Red Rock Casino and the wedding party and guests splintered off to drink, gamble, and stay warm. Arriving back at my hotel late that night, it was the end of a long day, not at all what I pictured for my first Vegas Wedding, but none-the-less an occasion I will remember always!

Thanksgiving

I am Thankful for…..
...the mess to clean up after a party
because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
...the taxes I pay
because it means that I'm employed.
...the clothes that fit a little too snug
because it means I have enough to eat.
...my shadow who watches me work
because it means I am out in the sunshine.
...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot
because it means I am capable of walking.
...all the complaining I hear about our government
because it means we have freedom of speech.
...the lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and a garage that needs cleaning
because it means I have a home.
...my huge air conditioning bill
because it means that I am cool.
...weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
because it means that I have been productive.
...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours
because it means that I am alive.
Nancy Carmody

This Thanksgiving I feel grateful for the many things I take for granted each and every day. People who care about me, New friends to make me smile, still discovering new things all the time, and realizing that this time in my life has the potential to be the best part of my life so far.

May this day help you to see all that you have to be grateful for.

Get Me To The Church? On Time

Saturday morning....dawned clear and windy and COLD. There was talk of a group of people getting together for breakfast, but already plans were seeming to change on a moments notice. So we were all left to ourselves with the understanding that we would gather in the afternoon for the caravan to the desert.

To get some exercise, a couple of us walked from The Stratosphere down to the Wynn. Although cold, it was a nice day to walk, and even with all of the massive construction projects going on, walking was still not too bad an option. The Wynn was beautiful, walking through the hotel and shops was a stark comparison to the same walk I had just taken at the Stratosphere not an hour earlier...different crowds, with different things on their minds. We managed to get a table at the Terrace Point Café - a lovely restaurant overlooking the pool and cabanas of the Wynn. Although windy, it was very relaxing and a welcome moment of peace and quiet during the rush of this wedding weekend.

Enter the second of the unexpected and unplanned realities that wreaked havoc with the weekend. For whatever reason, while in certain places in the city you have absolutely no cell phone reception at all. Whether the casinos plan it that way or not, I am not sure, but for a wedding that was practically being made up as it went along, it turned out to be a disaster. Instead of making changes aware to all of the scattered guests throughout the city, only a select few actually got the messages, the others were left voice mails that never made it to their phones.

After looking around after lunch and casually walking back to the Stratosphere, we got a frantic call from one of the bridal party asking where we were....apparently one of the voice mails that did not go through was in regards to the timetable being pushed up and everyone was needing to be ready to leave in the caravan in 30 minutes. We were still a good 2 miles away, so we had to take a shuttle from the Wynn to the nearest monorail site to catch the monorail to the Sahara and then from there back to the Stratosphere. We nearly ran from the monorail station to the hotel, only to find out once we arrived that even the Bride was not ready after the latest time table change, she was still on the strip getting hair and makeup done. So we were granted a few extra minutes to dash in, shower, iron my shirt, change and make it downstairs before the caravan was to leave the hotel. Amazingly, shortly thereafter everyone was in a vehicle and waiting for the motor home containing the bride, groom, and wedding party, photographer and minister to lead the way out of town and into the wilderness.

Vegas Wedding Continued

Details were still sketchy.....Originally everyone was to meet at a specified hotel location on the afternoon of the wedding and a caravan of cars would make the trek out into the desert and then there would be a wedding. Reception? Originally a downtown Las Vegas Casino reception was the plan - which sounded fun to those of us who enjoyed the older "Downtown" experience.

Several months before there was talk of a central hotel to house all the wedding guests with a special number that you gave when you made your reservation indicating you were with the wedding party. But that never materialized, and at the two month mark there was still no set hotel or plan for a hotel. At the one month mark, everyone began to just make their own arrangements and the first of many unfortunate realities of this wedding weekend came to the surface.

Apparently there were at least two if not more conventions going on in the city during that weekend. Many hotels were completely booked for the whole weekend, others had only one day available and with rooms at a premium, rates were going through the roof. Hotels with normal rates of $50 and $60 dollars a night were now $140 to $150 a night during this weekend...we all tried to get rooms at the same place, but that did not work.....the wedding attendees were scattered all over the strip and surrounding areas. Logistically this was a nightmare and trying to make plans that everyone could agree upon and work with became increasingly frustrating.

The second unfortunate, and unanticipated aspect of the weekend became apparent by Friday evening. After arriving in the early afternoon, the weather was gorgeous, sunny, not too hot, a nice breeze - perfect Vegas weather. By Friday night there was a shift in the forecast and the light breezes turned to gusty winds and the temps dropped dramatically.

Sin City Wedding

When I first heard that there was going to be a wedding in Las Vegas my mind immediately started to conjure up the images of the Vegas Weddings that I had read about and heard of over the years....the Britney Spears train wrecks, the Elvis Impersonator’s, the drive thru Chapels, and never having been to one...I was sort of looking forward to finding out which kind of Vegas wedding this might turn out to be.

Plans were sketchy from the get go, and so no one that was attending had any real idea of what these nuptials might actually turn out to be....lots of speculation and talk as the months rolled by...this was a very free spirited couple so with them it could be anything goes...

So a few months before the wedding I got my invitation...hand made...very pretty..having us mark the date and time and location......but imagine my surprise when I noted the location of the wedding....no Little White Chapel, no Drive Thru Ceremony, the location of the wedding was the Red Rock Canyon outside the city. The first in many surprises that awaited during the wedding weekend. What does one wear to a canyon wedding? Part two to follow.

Musical Memories - Vegas Style

I was in Las Vegas recently for a wedding. One evening we were at the Stratosphere gambling and the nightclub there POLLY ESTHERS was playing some great music....I was remembering days gone by and then this song came on. To me it was a window back to a great time in my life surrounded by fun and great music....hearing the song just made me smile and of course just want to dance...funny how some songs can always have that effect on you. Hope you enjoy it..maybe it will strike a chord in you.

Circus Anyone......

I wear many hats during the course of any one day, we all do, but lately I think that sometimes I have been forgetting to take off the previous hat when I put on the new one, and I am beginning to just look silly....

Of course I like to think that I have mastered the art of multitasking. It seems essential in the world we live in today to be able to juggle the endless barrage of media that comes at you from every angle: constant incoming calls, emails, text messages, meetings, tele-conferences all seemingly begging for our immediate attention regardless of what is currently underway. Multitasking has become simply a prerequisite of most industries.

Usually I fight my overwhelmed feelings and bolster my ability to multitask by making a "to do" list throughout the day, only listing 5 small things at a time. After I completed five small tasks then I’d list 5 more. I think multitasking is ineffective if one is already overloaded. To me...what good is multitasking if it leaves me with lots of things only partially done so this 5 small things method seemed to work…

But lately, my abilities to keep my hats straight has been slipping...this afternoon was a prime example: By 2:00 I had not even thought of taking a lunch, but my headache was urging me in that direction - So I started some spreadsheets printing and went off to the lunchroom to put my lean cuisine in the microwave, then come back to see if the printing job had finished while getting a phone call that required me to retrieve some information from my lap top. This is how it all ended up: I had the information on my laptop and was verifying it with my colleague on the phone...while at the same time reading my e-mails and watching the attached you-tubes on my desk computer and answering a co-workers question...by this time it was 2:45 and I was moving right along...until I hear someone down the hall from my area calling out...."did someone leave a lean cuisine in the microwave" oops...not the multitask champion after all....

So I did a little research and found that according to a study published this month that "Multi-tasking is not a sustainable answer to the too much to do and too few to do it problem. The brain’s executive control processes, the resource allocators, are overstressed and the result is a measurable time-cost".

I need to learn how to juggle instead.

A Donut Dilemma

Each of us are constantly in one way or another tested. In our career, our personal lives, we face many obstacles, challenges and roadblocks on our journeys. Some we tackle head on, some we go way around to avoid dealing with and some...just sneak up on you.

Lots of stress in my life lately. Stress with home and family, but even more are the work stresses. Anxiety over projects coming up, over personnel changes, and a lack of resources have made the past couple of weeks particularly challenging. But you do what you have to do....you focus, you hunker down and you "git er done". I deal with stress in a variety of ways....none of which is universally recommended, but pretty common I think.

I internalize. Always a popular choice. Keeping it inside, makes for a non-messy exterior, but an ulcer at 35 proved that my insides were not cooperating.

I drive. I get in the car, turn on the music and drive. I usually head North although I don’t know why. Driving lets me think and puts distance between me and the problem. Prescott is particularly popular for me.

I eat. The most popular of my stress reduction techniques....I took comfort in the simple joys of eating....comfort foods comforted me...never long lasting, but for the moment, it could always sooth away the most difficult of stress or anxiety. Many foods were always high on my stress eating top ten ( and no celery or carrot sticks were not among them). Coming in a consistent number one or two was that deep fried temptation...the donut.

Since making the decision to redirect my life in a new and healthier direction over the last 18 weeks I said a tearful goodbye to my special glazed friend. Knowing that a healthy future did not begin or end with a Krispy or a Dunkin.

After an early morning meeting where even more was heaped onto my already overflowing plate and losing a valued employee today that would leave me even further behind on all projects I returned to my desk and there sitting on the filing cabinet next to me was manna from heaven....two full, fresh boxes of donuts. They were so fresh you could smell the yeast and the unmistakable combination of cinnamon and sugar. Three dozen big, beautiful comforting confections all there for me to look at. Every part of me craved those donuts, any dedication or reminder of my 35 lb weight loss was nowhere to be found. I needed them. I was majorly stressed, depressed, and needed more than anything else the comfort that any or all varieties of donut might bring me. I know it was weak, knew it was fleeting, but more powerful than I can describe to you.

Rationalizing had already begun....I could treat myself - I had been doing so well, a few donuts would not hurt my overall weight loss. So I got up and walked over to the donuts and picked them up and carried the boxes across the room, came back to my desk grabbed a handful of almonds and realized that I was a bit stronger than I had realized and it felt good.

My Reflection

How will I be remembered. What legacy will I leave in the hearts and minds of those close to me. In a smaller sense, how am I perceived by those around me. Am I coming across as the person I want to be, or do I give out a totally different impression.

I am the president of an employee action committee at my company, a position that I did not apply for, but was volunteered to by my boss. I took the spot because I felt I could do at least the same job if not better as the pervious person had done. The committee plans fund raising activities and employee events (company picnic, annual meeting, holiday party).

We had a meeting today and I was delayed on the phone for a couple minutes. The rest of the committee was already present when I came up the hallway towards the conference room. As I approached, a conversation was in progress - "I wonder how many assignments we’ll get today - he is quite the control freak isn’t he" " well he knows what he wants and expects that result" "yeah but somebody that anal must have some issues".

I can see it now.....and now we remember our friend as the anal control freak full of issues that we all knew. WOW. Not exactly the warm fuzzy I was hoping for...I supervise a division full of people...I am a friend, a son, and honestly I felt I had a pretty good inkling of the kind of person I was and the way I came across to others...apparently I am missing the mark somewhere.

Like most people I hope to leave a legacy from my time here on this planet. If not able to impact the entire world then at least a good number of its inhabitants. I want to have made a difference. To have left a lasting impression upon the lives of the people around me would give my life purpose and the chance that it might endure beyond my own time here. I have taken the many chances for growth I have had over the years and tried to put them to good use, becoming a person that I could be proud of and respect - and attempting to give that back out to the world in my dealings with people and circumstances. ANAL CONTROL FREAK WITH ISSUES - not so much.

Time for some re-examination I think.

A Glimmer of Light

Over the past month or so I have had the feeling that something was amiss. I am still progressing with my diet and fitness plans, but almost felt as though I was phoning in the effort - going through the motions without the heart and conviction that I should have. In a broader sense, my whole life has been feeling that way lately, as though I was on a long highway I had traveled before - moving forward, but disconnected -I was on cruise control.

My father always called it coasting...when I was getting by well enough, but obviously not giving my best effort - coasting along on the merits of reputation, not results. I was aiming squarely for the status quo..and achieving it, but somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew that it was not where I wanted to be. I am grasping at the comforts of my well worn life, not wanting to embrace the evolution of myself. Change is hard, cold, and precarious. It requires effort, focus, and an increased understanding. I just wanted the assurance of what I had and what I already knew.

My life right now is what happens when the need for the "routine" collides with the inevitable change that comes with growth...and it’s not very pretty.

One of my co-workers called it perfectly..."what’s up with you Grumpy"?
Yup that’s me. Nothing seems to be right these days. I seem perturbed about everything. I know a lot of it stems from my weight loss and fitness regimes.

We live in a fast-paced world. If we are forced to have patience, we get frustrated. We tap our feet, we drum our fingers, we sigh, we blame the other driver, the inept cashier, the slow waitress. For our generation we need results NOW. Diet is no different. We need crash diets, instant pills, 48 hour fasts, surgeries to speed up the process. When the results don’t meet with our expectations, our first thought is to blame the method instead of ourselves. Society preys on this weakness and creates even more ways to "melt the pounds away". Some of my anger comes from my own gullibility and impatience in the process. But lets be really honest here...it didn’t take a week for you to become overweight...so why should it take any less time to take the weight off. The scale is not my friend, if I weight myself more than twice a week it mocks me and makes me even less likely to have that stick-to-it attitude. Right now slow and steady are not easy to come by.

Exercise is the same way. Park further away, take the stairs, take a walk, get up off your back and DO something. I am exercising, I do my cardio, but I don’t have the drive, the balls to the wall attitude that would make the scale more of a friend. I am getting there, but I am taking the scenic route. I will not take diet pills, not take metabolism boosters, excess pills are not what I need, I need an infusion of dedication and belief in myself. Sure a trainer would be nice, but I don’t need it. Sure not having a rotator cuff injury would make things easier, but its not the end of the world. Wanting it more than anything else, that’s what I need. Being complacent isn’t cutting it.

I don’t know how to jump start myself. How to reignite the fire of change that should be coursing through me right now...I am excited to see the changes, but I see that until I make an internal adjustment in the course of my life, decide that it’s ok to change and grow....then I will be stuck on that same path..."dancing through life".

Dancing through life

Skimming the surface

Gliding where turf is smooth

Life's more painless

For the brainless

Why think too hard?

When it's so soothing

Dancing through life

No need to tough it

When you can sluff it off as I do

Nothing matters

But knowing nothing matters

It's just life

So keep dancing through

Dancing through life

Swaying and sweeping

And always keeping cool

Life is fraught-less

When you're thoughtless

Those who don't try

Never look foolish

Dancing through life

Mindless and careless

Make sure you're where less

Trouble is rife

Woes are fleeting

Blows are glancing

When you're dancing

Through life:

from the Broadway musical Wicked
by Stephen Schwartz

Pedal Power

In the ever present “Battle of the Bulge” I am pleased to report another milestone - 30 pounds lost. I have a phrase cut out and posted on my bulletin board at work..it says “it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”. That seems to be my mantra as of late…I am taking the plateau’s and riding them out…trying to eat healthier, keep up the exercise, and not be so “scale fixated”.

The need for keeping things interesting exercise wise has made me fall back on an old standard…I now have a new addition to my arsenal. Introducing my new Mongoose Mountain bike. Your immediate question….”should a man in his 40’s be riding a mountain bike” The jury is still out on that one.

The old adage at last for me does still hold up: “it’s like riding a bike” you never forget. Its true. For me the last time I rode a bike with any kind of consistency was during college. Once the bike was checked out, tires filled, water bottle ready – I did something else I never did back in my good old college riding days – I put on my new bike helmet. May I say this now, most people look dorky wearing a bike helmet – my new silver one makes me so much past dorky.

Here is the part I forgot. I think more than forgot, I simply pushed it from my mind choosing not to recall at all and move on. But like the flood of memories returning to an amnesiac the moment I pushed the pedal down and rode my first 3 feet it all came back to me……the seat, that numbing, genital crushing piece of torture…that’s why I didn’t ride my bike after college and drove everywhere…I wanted to not walk funny and have sensation in my groin.

So as you can imagine since college..certain parts of my anatomy have…well grown and expanded in an outward direction..hence the reasons for my fitness plan…so imagine fitting all of that volume on a seat shaped like a banana. My first ride was a success…felt good to ride…legs were strong, hands got tired, but overall really enjoyed it….but the next morning and for a couple of days following….I felt like the eraser that had been jammed down on top of a pencil…ouch.

I now have a cushioned gel seat to assist me. It helps some, but some reminders of days gone by will always be around. But on I go…if you see me out there say hello..I will be the dorky guy in the silver bike helmet with the grimace on his face.

Squats and Lunges Are The Tools Of The Devil

With the renewed interest in all things health and diet related, I have undertaken a fitness plan as well as my dieting. It consists of two basic parts: the cardio portion, and the regular exercise portion. The cardio basically consists of a recumbent bike, the treadmill, and good ole walking. Like most of the world at large cardio is not my favorite, but it’s necessary...so I do it.

The exercise portion of my fitness plan was going to be based on using the weight machines and weight lifting at the gym, but due to an injury to my rotator cuff I wasn’t able to start. In the interim I decided I would purchase an exercise DVD and do an exercise routine at home to fill in for this part of my fitness needs. I spent a long time at the shelves of DVD’s pouring over the titles....what could I take on...what would represent a "good" workout. Almost every single selection they had to offer featured a lovely woman on the cover in some form of tight fitting work out attire. I didn’t want to do some sort of feminine work out...I wanted good ole fashion calisthenic exercise.

Finally after titles ranging from "Sweating to the Oldies", and "Erotic Belly Dancing for Beginners" to "Salsa Dancing for Fitness and Pleasure" I found a DVD with a guy on the front. It was called "Tom Holland’s Total Body Workout". Success - regular exercises, guy on the cover, this would do just fine. I paused for one minute in front of the Core Balls and related DVD’s...but moved quickly on....that saga is for another blog another time.

Got home, put on my not glamourous, loose fitting workout attire (shorts and a tank top) cleared an area in front of the TV and loaded up the "Total Body Workout". This is the part where if I had read more closely I would have realized that perhaps I wasn’t quite ready for the Tom Holland "experience". It is a 60 minute workout - fine...no problems...divided into different body groups...ok I can handle that....set to music....good I like that....without edits.....hmmm...um ok....well lets warm up a bit and off we go....

The warm up was fine...ok I can do this...and now let’s start with 30 seconds of cardio...running in place or jumping jacks...ok...can do that......now some squats.....ok now dumb bell curls....now down for some crunches...up for more squats...now more dumb bell curls....now more crunches...oh and then pushups....OH....WITHOUT EDITS....now 30 more seconds of cardio...now some lunges....and on and on and on...

Tom Holland whopped my ass. At the 14 minute mark I literally could not get up out of my crunch position...was drenched in sweat...had a cramp in my calf and Tom or (Attila) as I call him now hadn’t even broke a sweat. I Turned off the DVD, limped off to the shower and rethought the whole exercise at home decision. When the alarm went off early the next morning I knew that it was going to be a very long day. My neck would barely turn. The slightest flexing of any muscle below the waist reminded me that there was a reason I hadn’t done any of these exercises since highschool football.

The next day it was time to do it all again. My recovery time is not what it once was and I actually dreaded starting the DVD and doing it again...but I was determined....I got to 16 minutes on my second try. I am now up to 18 minutes. It’s embarrassing really...now I talk to the screen and call Tom Holland all sorts of names....at one point he says remember as your trainer you aren’t supposed to like me...THAT is a total understatement.

I Blog Because

I am a lurker. There I’ve said it. Reading blogs for well over a year now, but never actually making a comment, just lurking in the background reading, enjoying, and getting a sense of what it meant to blog. Why do people blog? The reasons are as varied as anything else in life but I think when everything is stripped away and only the most basic elements are left - we blog to be heard.

Existing in a world of remakes and reimaginings it appears that we might have run out of ideas, but that’s the beauty of blogs, they still represent the individual thoughts and ideas of vast collections of people. No two are identical, many similar thoughts, but each one like a snowflake, perfectly unique.

The reason I enjoy reading blogs is to glean that new perspective, to catch a glimpse into another mind, its like seeing into the hearts and minds of people and can be very powerful. Whether funny, or touching it’s the reality of the content that keeps me coming back to read each day.

One of the blogs I read is the perfect snapshot of its writer, a colorful, witty handsome man that embraces life and expresses his southern roots through his daily posts. Vain, a bit self involved, yet charming and very funny you were always guaranteed a slice of wit and wisdom. Over time though I noticed that the people posting comments to his blog were stating their preferences for the kind of posts they liked, whether it be pictures of him, silly video clips or his commentaries on the latest party attended. And eventually over time he began to pay attention. Recently posting a poll on his blog to find out exactly how many readers preferred what type of content. The overwhelming response was for the light bits of fluff and pictures that he interspersed among the truly meaningful posts about his life and struggles, etc. So it changed. Now just a collection of party anecdotes and plenty of pictures of the man himself it’s as if his voice vanished.

My blog only has three posts so far. I am still finding my voice. But the experience has been profound so far, and I look forward to continuing. Even after three posts, a reader of my blog said "you need to post something lighter, funny, not so heavy". My answer: this is my blog, my voice, and I will continue to write about whatever comes into my head and if it doesn’t suit you there are many other "fish in the sea".

If Today Is Your Birthday

So many birthdays of people I know in July. My mother’s, my best friend’s, an ex, some family friends, co-workers all crammed into 31 days. Such a myriad of ages as well, many milestones, and for some just another year older.

For my mother it has been a year of battling health issues. Each new one has raised the reality of her own mortality and shortly thereafter we have begun a new type of conversation...one I have dreaded since my fathers passing....final wishes. At first it was a sudden mad rush of cleaning, actually more like purging that occurred throughout the house. I didn’t think a lot of it at the time, assuming it was simply a spring/summer cleaning. But eventually I realized she was downsizing. After tackling the garage I finally asked her why she was so determined to get rid of all this stuff of hers....her simple reply...."So you have less to go through after I am gone". The reality of it hit hard and brought tears to my eyes.

Next was the revision of the will. I never paid attention to it before, even after my fathers death it was an issue, but not one I considered very much. Now there were new terms to learn, Living Trust, Grantor, Trustee...I learned of my mothers preferences for who was to receive family jewelry, treasured possessions, names once in favor, now were changed out of favor - I felt as if I were eavesdropping on her private affairs until it became clear now that these were now my affairs as well. An eerie reality also became clear...as a single, only child what would become of my mothers estate if I were to pass before her. Difficult decisions to be made.

Then there was the issue of final wishes. I guess it had been on her mind so these decisions were definite, thought out and she seemed comfortable talking about them. I found it oddly reassuring that she did know what she wanted and that it was something I could assure her would take place.

Then it was done. The conversations ended and life went back much as it had been. She is still fighting health issues, but as of her birthday this month was hanging in there. We celebrated her birthday recently with a quiet dinner out. At the end of our meal I once again toasted her birthday and she thanked me and then very solemnly looked at me and said...I don’t think I will be here to celebrate next year.

Feeling Lighter

I have recently lost some weight….OK I have recently lost almost 20lbs….finally it is to the place where people are starting to notice and comment…which is definitely a nice affirmation. Believe me I do appreciate it. I think honestly for the first time I was motivated to make this change, not by vanity or some need to fit into the norms of people around me, but by the fragility of my own life. Recently seeing one of my co-workers go from a trip to the emergency room for chest pain to a quadruple bypass in a day....really got me thinking about my own situation and how I was heading down that same path.

I can't believe how many years I have found a friend and an unconditional source of comfort in food. It was always there for me...welcoming me and giving me pleasure...never failing to give me the feeling of relief and refuge from the world around me. Whether stress or depression, it always came through....and although most of the time I regretted it afterwards, for the moment I was at peace and sheltered from the harsh world surrounding me. I was young and it never really mattered if I gained a few pounds here or there...if it kept me sane, it was more than worth it.

I am not young anymore. My once resilient body does not have the memory it once did. Now it begins to show the results of a life lived for the comfort of food. My health has suffered, and my body has suffered, and I as a person have suffered. It was easier to cook then to deal with my life, easier to eat than to exercise and treat myself with the respect that I afforded to making the perfect dinner.

My parents have given me a wonderful heritage and at the same time a boatload of pre-existing medical maladies passed down through generations and now finally into me. I face a future of diagnostic tests relating to histories of diabetes, heart disease and alzheimers. I see my need for comfort and refuge not changing, but I do see that food has begun to lose the hold it had on that part of me. I love to cook, love to eat, but now that I am in the middle portion of my life, I can see that I love the idea of living even more.

Tentative Steps

I believe that I am an old soul...my tastes and likes seem to reflect a time gone by. Not that I live in the past, but I do see the past for what it contributed to the present. l believe that I am a product of that combining of old and new, classic themes and new age sensibilities, its makes me the evolved man that I am today. Far better than the man I was just a few years ago...like it or not I believe it has a cumulative effect and we do actually become more enlightened as we grow older. That is the blessing and for many the curse of growing up.

I haven't traveled on the path that I thought I would. Even when I became aware that I was destined to take a completely different path in life, I strayed from that path as well. Eventually becoming aware that it is not our destiny to follow the path, but actually it is the forging of the path as we travel it that helps us to reach our final destination. My life has taken me on a journey that I never would have imagined, taught me lessons I never expected it to..seemingly preparing me for something...but what.

As I reflect over the events of the past few years I continue to learn more about life and more about myself. The things that I thought I wanted, almost imperceptably changing into new wants and desires, the attitudes and decisions made previously now seem not as steadfast to me, perspective shifting once again towards a new horizon. I do know that my needs and wants seem to be getting simpler, broadened. I want to be happy. I want to get out of life everything I can. I want to express the love I have inside. I want to make each day count.